Jason Love is an award winning humor columist and a syndicated humor writer. In additon to being a freelance writer, he is a freelance cartoonist. Contact Jason at mail@jasonlove.com

Spitting - Warning: Today's column may cause nausea or vomiting, and not just because of the writing. - More...
Tuesday AM - July 31, 2007

Jury Duty - I always thought jury duty was something you could politely decline. Like fruitcake.

But recently, being summoned, I discovered that "jury service is not voluntary but a civic duty imposed upon all citizens pursuant to civil code section 204." - More...
Tuesday AM - June 26, 2007

Spin Class - When I arrive at the gym, I feel satisfied with the achievement. That was the deal, right? Go to the gym. Any work I do after that point is pretty much gravy. - More...
Wednesday - June 06, 2007

Norton Virus - It was a typical day -- chop wood, carry water -- when I got a pop-up from Symantec: "Your Norton virus definitions are about to expire. Renew now?" - More....
Monday - May 28, 2007

Complaining - My career in nagging started early, in Dad's Plymouth Volare:

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" - More...
Saturday AM - May 19, 2007

Paintball - It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. My community lived in relative peace -- shopping, sunbathing, recreational surgery -- while in the hills of Simi Valley underage kids were being gunned down by paintballs. - More...
Thursday PM - May 03, 2007

Aging - I'm at that age where things are starting to fall apart. Doctor Lynn said that my warranty must have expired. - More...
Monday - April 23, 2007

Fishing with Dad - My dad came down the mountain -- Big Bear -- holding one commandment: Thou shalt go fishing. Dad is an old fisherman and I ... well, I carry Purell. - More...
Wednesday AM - April 11, 2007

Stuff I Learned - The older I get, the more I believe that we should respect the elderly. But recently, after the column about questions for Saint Peter, my elders wondered aloud whether I or Johnny Cochrane would make it as far as the Pearly Gates. - More...
Monday - April 02, 2007

Sweets - I just ate pumpkin pie. Specifically, a pumpkin pie. How did we get dessert out of something so slimy and foul-tasting? Who stuck his hand into the pumpkin and thought, "Yes. Definitely. Pie." - More...
Monday AM - March 19, 2007

Silly Questions - When I arrive at the Pearly Gates, I'll have some questions. For starters, are Pearly Gates really enough to keep out the bad guys? I mean, these people orchestrate heists and campaign for office. - More...
March 9, 2007

Spin Class - When I arrive at the gym, I feel satisfied with the achievement. That was the deal, right? Go to the gym. Any work I do after that point is pretty much gravy. - More...
Sunday AM - February 25, 2007

Feng Shui - I've got bad feng shui. Found out last week from Freddy, my feng shui guy. You can tell how pretentious you are by the number of "my people" in your life: my gardener, my plastic surgeon, my feng shui guy. - More...
Wednesday AM - February 21, 2007

Computer Hell - It was a typical day -- chop wood, carry water -- when I got a pop-up from Symantec: "Your Norton virus definitions are about to expire. Renew now?" - More...
Monday PM - February 12, 2007

Punctuality - My issues with time started early, when I kept my mom in labor so long that Dr. Rabban finally came after me with tongs. - More...
Wednesday AM - January 31, 2007

Super Bowl - Every year I look forward to the Super Bowl, and every year it's like eating a TV dinner -- always looks better in the picture. - More...
Friday PM - January 26, 2007

Massage - Sullivan, Jedi Masseuse, changed my beliefs about the universe.

It felt awkward to undress in a small back room to be fondled by a stranger. Wait a minute -- that part was fantastic. The awkward thing was letting go. What if she laughed at my lower body, which resembles that of a chicken? - More...
Wednesday PM - January 17, 2007

Plant Lady - Some people have a green thumb; mine is more like jaundice yellow. Gardening has always confused me. Until second grade I thought birds came from birdseed. - More...
Thursday PM - January 04, 2007

Salsa Dancing - They say you can tell a man's lovemaking skills by the way that he dances. - More...
Friday - December 29, 2006

Competitive Eating -Ever since curling found its way into the Olympics, our concept of sport has so devolved that ESPN is now televising darts. Call me old-fashioned, but when I turn on ESPN and people are throwing darts, they had better be aiming at each other. - More...
Saturday PM - October 28, 2006

Words - For most of us English is a sentence (buh dum bum). In school we learned the basics followed by their 6,534 exceptions. We discovered, for instance, that "i" goes before "e" except after "c," then immediately took off to SCIENCE. - More...
Monday - September 18, 2006

Cell Phone Chirps - The Buddha said that we're not punished for our anger but by our anger.

That's why I let go of things: bad umpiring in the World Series, Hummers taking up three lanes at once, politicians looting our treasury under cover of American flag. - More...
Wednesday - August 28, 2006

Wine-Tasting: Not Just for Snobs Anymore - I owe a lot to wine. According to reports, it played a major role in my conception. - More...
Monday PM - August 14, 2006

Fashion for Men - In junior high I was named "best dressed" in drama class, which immediately concerned my father. Fortunately, the testosterone kicked in and by twelfth grade my taste had so declined that "matching" merely meant that all my clothes were wrinkled. - More...
Thursday - June 22, 2006

Free Cat - "Free kitten. Cute, cuddly, irresistible."

That's how the ad read. What I didn't know is that "free kitten" is one of those moron things like "working vacation" or "Microsoft Works." - More...
Tuesday - May 30, 2006

Flying Coaster - Roller coasters have always struck me as a preventable trauma. I mean, if life ain't hard enough. And while in our youth we jump off buildings just to see, we come to feel secure on the ground and view thrill rides as far-off things like outer space or pterodactyls. - More...
Thursday - May 25, 2006

Perfect World - In case you didn't notice, the world is not a perfect place. There's war, pollution, hunger, injustice, and of course Anna Nicole Smith. Even little things don't make sense: rush hour traffic not going anywhere, boxing at the Goodwill Games, DVDs showing us highlights of movies THAT WE'RE ABOUT TO WATCH. - More...
Friday AM - May 05, 2006

Tattoo Removal - Once upon a time I drank so much tequila that I lost track of ... what's that called ... consciousness. Next morning, I couldn't remember a thing. - More...
Wednesday - April 12, 2006

Fishing - My dad came down the mountain for a visit. He was carrying only one commandment: Thou shalt honor thy father. We decided to fish because my dad is a longtime fisherman and I ... well, I shalt honor my father. - More...
Thursday - March 23, 2006

Sperm Count - My wife and I are shooting for a baby. Trouble is, I seem to be shooting blanks. I called Dr. Klope for a sperm count, which always struck me as tedious work. Can you see the poor guy on the microscope? - More...
Wednesday PM - March 08, 2006

Aging - The older I get, the more I believe that we should respect the elderly. I'm at that age where things are falling apart like the warranty just expired. First but not least is ... More
Monday - February 13, 2006

Baseball - Some say that baseball is the national pastime, while others believe it is watching celebrities have nervous breakdowns. As that debate rages on, we will focus on baseball. - More...
Tuesday - February 07, 2006

Acupuncture - Acupuncture has never called me, at least no more than acuripping, aculeeching, or acu-kicking-you-in-the-groin. Besides, if acupuncture worked so well, how come porcupines get sick? - More...
Thursday - January 19, 2006

Sunflower Seeds - My wife is a crackhead. She eats sunflower seeds by the silo -- chewing, spitting, crack-crack-cracking. I suppose she eats like a bird. - More...
Thursday - January 12, 2006

Construction - They're building homes across the street. Still. Every day. Forever. - More...
Thursday - December 29, 2005

Jury Duty - Like most half-wits, I thought jury duty was something you could politely decline. Like fruitcake. - More...
Monday PM - December 12, 2005

Liability - At the beach I found a sign that reads, Warning: Ocean hazardous. City not responsible for damage or injury. - More...
Monday - October 24, 2005

Gift-Giving - My wife's forehead veins are popping out because I missed her niece's Quinceañera. A Quinceañera is like a bat mitzvah, only with tortillas and beans. And it's like a thousand other days I'm bullied to observe. Observe, of course, comes from the Latin root, "to buy meaningless presents." - More...
Monday - October 24, 2005

Camping - It was time for a real, live, actual two-day weekend. I had been working too hard and, as remarkably, grumbling in answer to questions. - More...
Tuesday - October 18, 2005

Boxing - The last time I exchanged blows was in the fourth grade, when Benji Leva was spitting on my sister at the bus stop. I pulled Benji's raincoat over his head, kicked him in the backpack, and bolted to school as fast as I could. - More...
Tuesday - October 04, 2005

Massage - A friend recommended a massage therapist named Frank. - More...
Friday - August 26, 2005

Green Thumb - I spend a lot of time apologizing to the plants. It's not that I'm negligent; it's just that there is so much on TV. Sometimes I forget to water a plant for, say, April, and then, to make amends, turn a fire hose on the rest. - More...
Tuesday - August 23, 2005

Poison Oak - Sometimes nature not only calls; she makes an emergency breakthrough.

I was hiking far from civilization -- so far that you couldn't see McDonald's -- when something stirred below. It came from the grumpy part of the lower intestine where everything's a crisis. I could have run for the car, but it was a crap chute. - More...
Wednesday - August 10, 2005

Medicated - My grandpa is 83 years old. I'm sorry -- 83 years, 5 months (he's back to counting in halves). That is four years past the life expectancy of American males. I know so because he tells me every time I visit. - More...
Tuesday - July 19, 2005

Gridlock - I live by a dock where cars are dumped off daily. Hourly. Mercilessly. They march like I-Robots, half-wrapped, past my window toward a processing plant. And every day I get that uneasy feeling you have when too many people cram inside an elevator. Last week a batch of cars rolled straight off the docks INTO GRIDLOCK. - More...
Sunday - July 10, 2005

Feng Shui - I have bad feng shui. I just found out yesterday, when a friend visited my home. He acted like he had never entered a house through the bathroom before. - More...
Thursday - June 30, 2005

Give Man a Ball - Today, I defend men. Typically, I refrain from doing so because men are, as a rule of thumb, pigs. The expression "rule of thumb" comes from a time when a man was considered discreet to beat his family with a switch no wider than his thumb. - More...
Sunday - June 19, 2005

Easy Rider - To think I've lugged this body through the decades without ever, until last week, riding a motorcycle. This thanks to photographer Gary Phelps, who just had to share. Of course, I'd jump on any assignment where you can spit and curse at your leisure. - More...
Friday - June 10, 2005

Di-Ants-Pora - Typically, I don't worry about ants because there is no food in my house, but after recent rains it didn't seem to matter. Ants flocked to my house like I was hosting a world summit. - More...
Sunday - June 05, 2005

Fire Drill - I've always been attracted to fire. When I was twelve, my mom caught me torching the lawn, and I said -- true story -- "Don't worry, Ma. It's a controlled burn." - More...
Thursday - May 26, 2005

Unlevel Playing Field - I was standing in line behind 300 shoppers at Ralph's when I was approached by a local reader. She said that my column is getting "soft" and what about the good ol' days when I blasted the likes of car salesmen and vege-nazis. Then she bounded off to tennis, which appeared to constitute her sense of self. - More...
Monday - May 16, 2005

TV-Jeebies - I love my chiropractor. Not romantically but how you love a bartender. We get together once a month like clockwork. I always circle the date on my calendar in blue (red is for my wife's period). - More...
Monday - May 02, 2005

Bulk-Shopping Madness by Jason Love - I'm not big on corporate superstores. They're as good for mankind as Olean was for our intestines. And they turn open fields into parking lots, which never seem to grow back into fields again. Worst of all, they're sucking the provincial charm out of America. No matter where you turn these days, it's the same thing: Wal Mart, Toys R Us, Big Five, Wells Fargo. - More...
Friday - April 08, 2005

Me-Gulls - As someone who lives near the beach, I feel qualified to make the following observation: Seagulls are evil. No, you say. Not seagulls. Yes, seagulls. They dig through your garbage, dump on everything they see, serve only themselves -- they are the lawyers of marine vertebrates. - More...
Tuesday - March 29, 2005

SATurday School - Do you know what SAT stands for? Quick, you have five seconds.

Insert Jeopardy music.

That's right. It doesn't mean squat! It used to stand for Scholastic Aptitude Test, but then scholars got to arguing over "aptitude" and finally everyone agreed that SAT would stand for Stressed and Anxious Teenagers. - More...
Wednesday - March 16, 2005

The Real Estate Agent - When I got out of college, I embarked on a mission to find a job doing nothing. It didn't matter what the job entailed, so long as it didn't entail responsibility. - More...
Saturday - March 05, 2005

The Magazine Rack - At the supermarket, we face the same dilemma a thousand times: Do I get the healthy version or go for taste? Being skilled in self-deception, I go for taste. "One cheesecake won't kill me." Times a thousand. - More...
Monday - February 28, 2005

E-Mail Snubs - I've never had a best friend. I've always been the best friend runner-up, as in, "You'll be my best friend if he dies." So I work extra hard to be pleasant in the hope that someday, when no one is looking, I'll catch the best friend bouquet. - More...
Saturday - February 19, 2005

Spanglish - Two years ago I moved to a farming town, and though I love the people, there is something I have come to miss: English. Where I live, even the billboards are in Spanish. - More...
Monday - February 07, 2005

Cats and Dogs - I am getting a pet. Trouble is I can't decide between a cat and a dog. - More...
Wednesday - January 26, 2005

Cool - Cool. That's cool. Be cool. Stay cool. We all use the word, but what does it mean? - More...
Thursday - January 20, 2005

Working at Home - I used to work for a corporation. I refer to it as The Dark Age. - More...
Wednesday - January 12, 2005

Honking Back - The horn is the most abused feature of today's motor vehicle (the back seat taking a close second among teenagers). The horn was designed for cases of emergency. Not emergency as in, Hey, buddy, the light is green, but emergency as in, Hey, this guy doesn't understand the merge concept. - More...
Friday - December 31, 2004

Loud and Near - So I walked into the dentist's office, and the lobby was packed. No. Packed. I wasn't surprised. My dentist has two modes: deliberate and not-that-hurried. It doesn't matter if there's one person waiting or twenty -- he is going cover current events and flossing procedure before you step out of that chair. - More...
Monday - December 27, 2004

My Wife Howard - My wife comes from the Caribbean, where people are -- how can I put this gently -- nuts. The longer we're together, the more I believe she brought some nuts with her. People shake their head when I say so, but they haven't seen her around Formula 409. - More...
Monday - December 13, 2004

Me and the Girls - I spend a lot of time at the gym pulling and yanking and hurting myself. What brings me back is the odor. Some people enjoy the scent of diesel fuel; others prefer new tennis balls. I like the smell of stale sweat. - More...
Monday - December 06, 2004

Baseball Buddy - My wife Yahaira is learning baseball. She didn't take to football or hockey, but for some reason she likes baseball. Maybe it's because there are no cheerleaders -- or, now that we're here, maybe it's because a bunch of burly men are standing around grabbing their crotches... More
Monday - November 29, 2004

The Snooze Bar  - Sleeping is my favorite part of this whole life thing, edging out hot fudge sundaes and foot lickings. I need about eight hours of sleep a day and at least that many at night. Friends calls me Sir Sleepalot. - More...
Monday - November 22, 2004

Learning Very Slowly - Because it is my goal to rule the world someday, I decided to take a Photoshop class. What does Photoshop have to do with ruling the world? I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you. - More...
Monday - November 15, 2004

Unsolved Mysteries - I've been watching Unsolved Mysteries again. It's on every night at eight. My VCR is set to RECORD PERPETUALLY. - More...
Monday - November 08, 2004

B-I-N-G-O - "Let's go to bingo!" - More...
Monday - November 01, 2004

What Is Halloween? - At the risk of sucking the fun out of things, what the hell is Halloween? - More...
Monday - October 25, 2004

The Vege-nazis - Not too long ago, I had the pleasure -- and I say so with crossed fingers -- of opening my door to a couple of old friends travelling in this part of the universe. They were a couple, and we were a couple, and wouldn't it be great if they could save some money on hotel accommodations. - More...
Monday - October 18, 2004

Dogs Are People Too - My mom has a poodle named Max. Mad Max. She pampers him in a way that I don't recall being pampered as a child. The dog eats off her plate, sleeps in her bed, and advises her on life decisions. - More...
Tuesday - October 12, 2004

Capture the Flag - My across-the-street neighbor is a spokesman for testosterone. He -- Bill -- drives a tough truck and wears tough leather and jackhammers for a living. I, on the other hand, am the guy who strolls the block with his eyes closed to see what it's like to be blind. - More...
Monday - October 04, 2004

Sweets - I just ate pumpkin pie. Specifically, a pumpkin pie. How did we get desert out of something so ugly, slimy, and foul-tasting? Welcome to the wonderful world of sugar. - More...
Monday - September 27, 2004

Just Do Me  - I had a bad dream. It started with Peter the Re-fi Guy, a recording that calls daily: "Did you know that we can refinance your home..." I don't have the heart to tell him that I rent. Besides, he'd just call back anyway. - More...
Monday - September 19, 2004

Little League Glasses - At the park I found soccer, a fierce competition between the Pipsqueaks and the Smallfries. The Pipsqueaks were running in circles just as fast as the Smallfries, and progress toward either goal was imminent. - More...
Monday - September 13, 2004

Kindergarten - They say that youth is wasted on the young. Likewise, I believe that kindergarten is wasted on kindergartners. Not that kindergartners aren't as cute as kittens, but we adults stand to gain more from the experience. - More...
Tuesday - September 07, 2004


What Is Money? - I look around and see legions of people living the American Dream. We are surrounded by nice cars, spacious homes, manicured streets, and terrific school systems. For all intents and purposes, we have "arrived." - More...
Monday - August 30, 2004

Brazilian Bikini Wax - I was picking lint from my collar when my editor called with a dangerous mission: to get a Brazilian bikini wax and report back to you, the reader. Apparently, men are ripping hair from the shyest parts of their body, and no one knows why. They needed someone on the inside. - More...
Tuesday - August 24, 2004

 

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