So It Goes
by Jason Love
May 05, 2006
In case you didn't notice, the world is not a perfect place.
There's war, pollution, hunger, injustice, and of course Anna
Nicole Smith. Even little things don't make sense: rush hour
traffic not going anywhere, boxing at the Goodwill Games, DVDs
showing us highlights of movies THAT WE'RE ABOUT TO WATCH.
One night, after being flagrantly
overserved by a bartender, I scribbled on cocktail napkins a
list of world improvements. First I called it "If I Were
God," then, as the beer wore on, "What Happened to
My Childhood" and finally "Gibbledy Gobbledy Goo."
We'll stick with the editor-friendly,
"In a Perfect World." The unabridged list is swirling
above a local landfill, but here are some napkins that survived
the ride home.
In a perfect world...
- pug dogs would have a reasonable
amount of skin on their face.
- boot would rhyme with foot.
- we'd get paid for the time
we spend preparing for, commuting to, talking about, and unwinding
- radio stations would keep
their contest money and play some bloody music.
- all of a woman's issues could
be fixed with WD-40 and duct tape.
- answering machines would come
with a get-to-the-point button.
- when leaders go bad, they
would mottle like bananas.
- athletes would retire only
- traffic lights would change
when we honk at them.
- O.J. Simpson would have married
- priests who hear confessions
would get paid the same as shrinks.
- the brightness control on
our TV would turn up the intelligence.
- if an officer has to tackle
the suspect to make an arrest, he would be entitled to three
- when people graduate high
school, they'd also graduate high school mentality.
- when teams lose on Fan Appreciation
Day, everyone would get their money back.
- lawyers would speak a language
that humans can understand.
- walkie-talkie cell phones
would exist only in hell.
- sick days would include when
you're sick of work.
- weight gain would be caused
not by food but by some undelicious thing like televangelism.
- the Meyers would get together
with the Myers and settle the spelling once and for all.
- every driver would understand
the Merge Concept.
- we could surgically remove
that part of our brain that plays the same snippet of music over
and over and over.
- everyone would die on their
one-hundredth birthday while having sex.
But the world is not perfect,
so we have storms and train wrecks and Anna Nicole Smith, left
to wonder about a God who would have it this way. It would be
too much to handle but for a gift from this same Creator, something
to take away the anguish and put the whole world back in perspective.
And that is lots of beer.
So it goes.
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