Column - Commentary
Hot Diggity Dogs!!!By DAVE KIFFER
October 11, 2021
The only thing truer would have been if it had been told to me by my friend's brother's sister-in-law's aunt's second cousin.
You know "they say" that us modern folk just don't connect like previous generations. But any time you can get good solid information from your friend's brother's sister-in-law's aunt's second cousin, that sounds pretty darn connected to me!
But I digress.
Anyway, the internet info was about something I truly love. Hot dogs.
No, not wiener dogs, although I do like dachshunds.
Hot dogs. Those supecalifragilistic cylinders of processed meat with dubious origins.
Yes, I remember the hilarious George Carlin routine about the FDA measuring "filth" levels in hot dogs which would lead to brands advertising that "our hot dogs have fewer roach droppings" than competing brands.
But it's the ultimate "I don't want to see how the sausage is made " situation. I just don't care to know what's really in wieners. Because (see above) I truly love hot dogs.
The news from the internet did give me pause, though.
Recent studies (a phrase right up there with "they say") have supposedly determined that eating hotdogs can lower your life expectancy.
And not in some vague "processed meats are bad for you" sort of way.
The studies say each hot dog cuts your life expectancy by 36 minutes.
Now that is pretty specific. Not a lot of wiggle room there. Not 20 minutes, not an hour. But 36 minutes.
So, if I were to - right here, right now - eat 14,600 hot dogs, I would die one full year sooner than whatever the big book in the sky already has me down for.
I would also absolutely crush Joey Chestnut in the Nathan's Famous Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Challenge, so I would die famous.
And just a wee bit bloated.
But I digress, again.
We are used to hearing (and not just from our friend's brother's sister-in-law's aunt's second cousin) that some foods are better for us than others.
What are these specific foods?
Well, it seems that they are things you would never eat otherwise. Like kale.
Now, before I get a bunch of angry posts from the three people on earth who actually like kale, let me note that I am not opposed to kale. I find that if I drizzle two sticks of butter on it, it's not half bad. That doesn't mean it is half good. Just not half bad.
Anyway, it seems to be a direct correlation that anything that tastes bad, or has no taste at all, is good for you. Anything that tastes good is bad for you. And that is not just the opinion of the National Broccoli Institute.
Simply put. If you want to eat it, you shouldn't.
And that's how we lead a long healthy life. By not eating what we want to eat and by not engaging in any activity we actually want to do.
At the very least, then, doing those things makes life SEEM a lot longer.
Don't get me wrong, I do not oppose healthy eating. In fact, as I am typing this, I am scarfing down a bag of (unsalted, of course) nuts, which "studies say" will add 26 minutes to my life span.
Like the TV commercials that imply it is okay to drink lots of beer if you burn calories running marathons, I am willing to do whatever it takes (Yetch, more kale please) that will allow me to continue to eat nature's deadliest birthday diminisher, the hot dog.
Fortunately, there is one bright spot. The results are clearly "varying" in my case.
I sat down and figured out how many hot dogs I have already consumed (a number comparable to the gross national product of Burkina-Faso).
Then I subtracted 36 minutes from my life for each one. The answer was that I should have died at 2:37 pm on February 23, 1937.
Which was just about 22 years before I was born.
Of course, your results may vary.
Just ask my friend's brother's sister-in-law's aunt's second cousin.
Or the internet.
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Contact Dave at email@example.com
Dave Kiffer is a freelance
writer living in Ketchikan, Alaska.