Column - Commentary
A Few More Choice Words from the Branch CovidiansBy DAVE KIFFER
June 07, 2020
Oh My Covid, Quarantine
In a panic, slipped my mask on,
And the 'CoVid' cops came running
Oh my Covid, oh my Covid
That Boys and Girls is what we call a Quarantune, and not a particularly good one (you try rhyming "Byzantine," it just plain does not scan).
But, as usual, I digress
We're back with another episode of "words you didn't know you needed until you found yourself in the End Quarantimes."
Speaking of which, the End Quarantimes are a subtopic in the last book of the Bible, the Book of RevoltingRelations. In which rather than be sent to the Kingsford Charcoal Fiery Pit of Doom (Beezlebub sold the naming rights years ago), we are instead damned for all eternity to be stuck inside four walls with those we care about the most and who seemingly can send us into fits of utmost rage simply by breathing too loud.
In the meantime, here are some more new covidimunications that you can banter about when you get tired of sighing too loudly.
Covid-lision Avoidance - When two shopping carts approaching each other in Aisle 5 suddenly veer off simultaneously.
Covidiot - Anyone who calls the pandemic "fake news" or reposts articles about miracle cures.
Pan-demic - The sudden explosion of Teflon in your sink when you just can't handle one more night of take out.
Quarateen - An adolescent who is even less pleasant than the regular one who has been living in your home for the last fifteen years. It's like being on an endless road trip to Yellowstone, only you never get to the Wyoming border or any border at all. (see loud sighing above)
Coronarows - What better than a hairstyle that requires no washing for the rest of the quarantine? And you can't say you don't have the time to do it. Some people have also been experimenting with Sequestration Mullets, but one of the main symptoms of Covid 19 is being choked to death by your own hair so you take your chances with that one.
Quaratting - Calling in your neighbor for walking his dog within six feet of your fence. Yeah, you know who you are.
Oh My Darling Quarantine - Number One internet Earworm of April-May 2020. See above.
Pandem-lio Diet - What you eat after you buy the last of the meat at your local mini-mart. Is this really how our ancestors survived? No gluten at all? Oh, yeah, they were usually stomped to death by a mammoth at age 15. Never mind.
Fortunately, with the declaration of the "Era of Normality" now upon us (everything is fine, citizens!). We can go back to worrying about everything that can kill us that does not come in microscopic droplets. You know, like buses where the driver accidently gets his mask caught over his eyes.
I, for one, will miss the distancing at the grocery store. I like people keeping their goll-danged shopping carts to themselves.
And I will continue to wear a mask while shopping. I have grown fond of the "protection" it provides.
With a mask, I can safely mutter obscenities under my breath at the idiotic behavior in Aisle Six and all the offender can see is the apparent twinkle in my eyes!
Keep washing your hands.
You've been doing such a good job for the last six weeks.
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Dave Kiffer is a freelance
writer living in Ketchikan, Alaska.