Humor - Column
The 'news' is slimier than you think!
By DAVE KIFFER
May 17, 2014
(SitNews) Ketchikan, Alaska - One of the great joys about being a local” mover and shaker” is that all sorts of interesting things wander across your desk.
Such as this particular “news” item.
Slippery Slope: Slugs Are Endangered Species (Rooters News Service)
Responding a complaint filed by the Forever Friends of Forest Fauna, US District Court Judge C. Clarence Clueless has ruled that the US Fish and Wildlife Service must immediately take action to put the excruciatingly rare Alexander Archipelago Banana Slug on the Endangered Species List.
“The appellant notes that since we have never studied the Alexander Archipelago Banana Slug we have no information to determine population levels. For all we know it is seriously endangered. Therefore the USFW has to act immediately to protect the long-term viability of the species,” Clueless wrote in his decision.
In his ruling, Clueless orders USFW to take several specific steps to protect the Alexander Archipelago Banana Slug.
1) The USFW must survey the banana slug population to develop a baseline population.
2) The USFW must take steps to prevent the additional loss of banana slugs due predation by local gardeners.
3) The USFW must immediately confiscate all salt in the Alexander Archipelago to prevent gardeners and others from using it to decrease the slug population.
4) The USFW must immediately stop all sales of beer in the Alexander Archipelago in order to prevent its use as a slugicide.
Everly Aimless-Doogooder, grass roots organizer for Forever Friends of Forest Fauna, celebrated Judge Clueless’ decision.
“This is a day that brings tears to my eyes,” she said. “We have taken steps to save one of the most important creatures in our Temperate Rainforest.”
The slug plays an important role in the ecosystem, Aimless-Doogooder added.
“Can you imagine what would happen without the Alexander Archipelago Banana Slug?” she continued. “Millions of pristine wilderness acres would turn into gardens without the slugs to prune back those invasive species. We would lose the LAST TEMPERATE RAINFOREST forever!!!”
Local gardener, So Y. Bother, disagreed.
“Really, I mean, really?” she opined. “Does that woman even have a clue how many brown thumbs there are in these parts. This is not the @#*(!@& San Joaquin Valley.”
Officials at the USFW declined to comment on the ruling by Judge Clueless. USFW spokesperson Constantlia Eyeroller would only say that the USFW will convene a taskforce to implement Judge Clueless’ order sometime within the next seven to 10 years.
Although it was not part of Judge Clueless’ main ruling, the jurist did append a separate opinion decrying the decades of mistreatment of the Alexander Archipelago Banana Slug.
“Besides the wanton destruction of hundreds of thousands of the banana slugs by those more concerned about daffodils than diversity, we have the mistreatment of hundreds of slugs in the name of entertainment,” Clueless said. “All these redneck burgs in the Archipelago seem to have summer festivals in which Banana Slugs are supposed to “perform” by racing across white plywood boards brutally baked in the summer heat. It just sickens me that such behavior is celebrated in the Alexander Archipelago.”
Judge Clueless said he is immediately banning all slug racing within the traditional home range of the Alexander Archipelago Banana Slug.
Fundella Raiser, the executive director of the Rainforest Banana Slug Racing Association, said that Clueless’ interpretation of the situation is incorrect.
“The slugs love to race, they are bred for it,” he said. “It would be a tragedy to not race these magnificent gastropods. Believe me, if the judge had ever been there at the starting circle watching these awesome athletes straining to get sliming, he would see once and for all that banana slug racing is one of the great events our region.”
When asked about potential abuse, Raiser said there is none.
“These racing slugs are treated spectacularly well,” he said. “I know one breeder who actually feeds them the freshest, just budded garden plants and keeps them in a climate controlled rainforest biosphere. These slugs are better treated than most of the people around here.”
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Dave Kiffer is a freelance
writer living in Ketchikan, Alaska.
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