When the Going Gets Weird
By DAVE KIFFER
February 01, 2014
(SitNews) Ketchikan, Alaska - We have a bit of a conundrum around the Casa de Kiffer. Should we or should we not install a flat screen television in the bathroom?
Of course, some of you probably think that seems like a ridiculous thing to do.
Yes, I’m sure there are people in Ktown who have flat screens in their bathrooms, but honestly!!!
Do you really need to be so tuned in that you can’t even use the commercials for your “breaks” like everyone else?
Natch, you are sitting there saying “Hey, I Tivo’d out the commercials years ago.”
Yes, that may be true, but have you ever heard of the pause button?!? Or is that soooo last century?
By way of disclosure, I once enjoyed a television in a hotel bathroom in Las Vegas (and a slot machine too. J). And I have noticed that high end sports bars have also taken to installing bathroom televisions, often right above the urinals. Just another reason to get distracted and ruin your shoes, I guess.
Also, there are a lot of different companies that will sell and install televisions in bathrooms and other “wet” environments. Aquavision, anyone?
Now, I am sure that at least some of you are thinking why go to that much trouble?
Why don’t you just download whatever you want to watch and take in into the bathroom on the good old fashioned bathroom standby, the IPad?
Speaking of which, there was a great SHARE on Facebook recently about some guy teasing his wife about always using so much paper (books, memos, etc), so when he told her he needed more “paper” in the bathroom, she handed him an IPad with with a picture of toilet paper on it.
But I digress.
Speaking of spouses, I suppose there are also a few of you also probably wondering what my wife thinks about the idea of a television in the bathroom.
I don’t know.
I haven’t asked her yet
This process is really important (you’ll understand why in a minute) and I don’t need any negativism cramping my creative problem solving.
You see, I am not just doing this because I want to watch television in peace and quiet. Although, anyone with children knows that the bathroom is the only “peace and quiet” room in the house.
No, I am doing this for you.
For all of you Legion of Boomers.
For all you “12 Manners.”
All of you fans of the Seahawks.
Yes, this involves a bit of ‘splaning!’
You have all seen that beer commercial that celebrates all the little quirks of fans that help their teams win, right?
It can be something simple, like wearing a silly hat. Or it could be holding your beer can a certain way. Or it could involve standing on one’s head when the other team attempts a field goal.
The idea is to use that action to influence the outcome of the game. Just a little superstition amongst friends.
And as the commercial notes “It’s only weird if it doesn’t work.”
Well, I know how to pretty much guarantee the Seahawks will win the Super Bowl in a few days.
Speaking of which, does anyone else think it is awesome gnarly bitchin’ that the two states with the most liberal marijuana laws are sending sports teams to something called the “super bowl?”
Wanna bet Cheech and Chong do the coin toss? I’d help, but of course “Dave’s not here.”
But I digress. Again.
By now you are probably thinking that all this bathroom television and super “bowl” talk means that I am now BFF with the Mayor of Toronto.
Au contraire, eh? (how’s that for bilingual?)
Allow me to wind back the clock to the recent National Football Conference title tilt, the one that would eventually chose one of the two top “tokers” for the Super Bowl.
Not being BIG pro football fans, the amigos at Casa de Kiffer were just sort of lazily watching the game (any excuse to sit on the couch and eat potato chips).
Liam’s friend Gabe was also watching with us.
It was a good close game and we watched with that generally pleasant semi-disinterest that the disinterested have. Enjoying good plays, but not living and dying with each call against our favorite team.
With about 10 minutes to go in the game, Liam got up and went to the bathroom. Lo and behold, the San Francisco quarterback fumbled the ball and Seattle recovered.
With about seven minutes to go, Liam got up and went to the bathroom again. This time the San Francisco quarterback threw an interception. So it goes.
The last minute of the game was very exciting, even for those of us without a rooting interest.
The Seahawks clung to a narrow lead, but the Niners were driving. They had the ball on the Seattle 18 yard line with only a few ticks left on the clock.
Gabe turned to Liam.
“Dude,” he said. “You better go to the bathroom.”
Liam shrugged and went into the bathroom.
Now, most of America is pretty danged convinced that Cornerback Richard Sherman made a spectacular play and tipped a San Francisco pass in the end zone, leading to a Seattle interception that sent the Seahawks to the upcoming Super Bowl.
Believe what you like, it’s a free country.
But I know that “what worked” for the Seahawks in that game was my 13-year-old son going to the bathroom.
Which leads back to the conundrum. Do we need a television in the bathroom or not?
After all, I certainly don’t want to condemn my child to sitting in the bathroom for three hours on February 3rd.
“Small price to pay.”
“Small price to pay.”
“Small price to pay.”
That would be the Greek Chorus, otherwise knows as the local 12 Manners, chiming in.
The enigma is, I have no idea whether it was the bathroom, or simply removing Liam from the room that what “worked.”
I could install a zillion dollar media system in our bathroom and just end up causing more trouble for the Seahawks on February 3.
On the other hand, the Aquavision Frameless 55 inch Genesis would look pretty sweet on our bathroom wall, regardless of the outcome of the Super Bowl, I would never feel bad again about consigning Liam to the bathroom for important sporting events.
What to do, what to do.
I feel like I don’t have enough information to be sure. Bathrooms always leave me in a quandary. I always feel left holding the “paper” so to speak.
Which, natch, reminds me of the time I got pranked by a local Massachusetts police department when I calling around doing the weekend police round up for the regional paper.
The officer on the desk launched into this lengthy description of a vandalism that had occurred at the police department Saturday night. Someone had snuck into the cop shop and stolen all the seats from the toilets in the men’s room.
I dutifully asked all the pertinent w, w, w, w, and h questions. Then I asked if they had any idea who would have done such a thing.
“Sir,” the officer said, with a long pause. “We got nothing to go on.”
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Dave Kiffer is a freelance
writer living in Ketchikan, Alaska.
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