Column - Commentary
My Own Personal SPAM-a-Lot!By DAVE KIFFER
January 25, 2020
No, not the "canned cooked pork."
Although, growing up in Alaska did give me an appreciation for that versatile food.
When you spend massive amounts of time on a fishing boat you learn quickly that "great things come in cans."
Especially when you spend a fair amount of time abandoning said fishing boats in the middle of the night and even more time cleaning out the waterlogged fo's'cles of said boats afterwards, you learn how awesome it is to have cans of a specific shape that you can identify long after the label has washed away!
Above all you learn that there is absolutely no meal that can't be improved by slapping a big slab of "pork shoulder, water, salt, modified potato starch, sugar and sodium nitrate" on it. In the 50th state, they call SPAM "Hawaiian Steak." In the 49th state, it is called "Alaskan Bologna (baloney)."
But, as usual, I digress.
What I really love is online SPAM.
Growing up in Alaska (see above), gave me a true appreciation for the high point of every day. The time when mail arrived. You would wait, and wait, and wait. And finally, it would arrive!!!! You would get fliers, and bills, and catalogs. It meant that you were important, you were somebody. People actually took the time to send you stuff.
And maybe, just maybe, there would be something that you actually wanted to open in that day's arrivals. Not every day, of course, but at least once or twice a week.
Of course, those days are gone.
Once upon a time we waited weeks to see television shows. Now we wait months for "timely" mail to arrive because it is lost in some huge warehouse in Federal Way.
But, I can still get may daily fix. I can understand that I am important. That people still want to contact me.
It is the SPAM that arrives on my computer. And even better than the old days, this "mail" arrives multiple times throughout the day. I just have to log on and voila! New communications. Making me feel, oh so special.
For example there are tons of messages that will improve my health.
I can Keto this and Keto that.
I can learn all the signs of an impending heart attack.
I can achieve "male enhancement" in dozens of ways.
My financial health can also be improved immeasurably.
There are apparently innumerable kind people in Africa who want to share their sudden financial success with me.
And just last week, I was offered a loan by "Wellsfrago Bank."
Apparently, I can also find the partner of my dreams via SPAM as well.
It seems there are many, many countries that I have never even heard of that are teeming with single people. And they all speak English! At least as well as some "amaricuns" do.
But just in case I am a feeling a tad xenophobic, there is "Medium Amanda." She proudly announces she is from "America" and is "looking for forever, not a green card." She id very persistent and SPAMS me several times a day.
Recently, she accused me of "ghosting" her. Which was puzzling because I thought you actually had to have an online relationship of some sort before you could "ghost" someonei. But what do I know? Technology moves so fast today.
I like the fact that she is "medium" Amanda. Not "spectacular." Not "amazing." Not even "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious." It's good to set reasonable expectations.
Lately, I have also been receiving numerous notifications about jobs that are "perfect" for me.
I get a lot of these from a website called "Linkedn." It is a site that many of my friends have signed up to. In a moment of weakness, after getting my 500th friend request to join, I joined.
And now, every day, I get half a dozen messages from Linkedin with jobs chosen "to match my qualifications."
You know: IT department manager jobs, accountant jobs. Nuclear scientist jobs, Sanitation Engineer Department Managers. I never knew I was so good at so many different things.
Last week, they suggested I apply for a "ruminant technical sales specialist" job. I just may. I have always wanted to live in Kansas.
Seriously, though, they did come up with a winner just last weekend.
"Assistant Director, Wrigley Field Event Operations for the Chicago Cubs." Qualified or not, that job would be a hoot and a half.
And, this is the important part. It is only about a five-hour drive from Chicago to Austin, Minnesota.
Also known as "SPAM Town: USA"
On the Web:
Contact Dave at firstname.lastname@example.org
Dave Kiffer is a freelance
writer living in Ketchikan, Alaska.