We’re On a Cruise to NowhereBy DAVE KIFFER
January 10, 2015
I mean, seriously, why would you spend thousands of dollars to take a cruise ship to Alaska and then spend the whole time sitting and knitting?
Certainly, cruise lines are looking to set up cruises that cater to every possible interest group, or at least every possible interest group with members who have the money or the drive to group book cruises or even full ships.
Although Mick Jagger and posse are on the side of 70 that means “Satisfaction” is a good nap before watching “Murder She Wrote.”
Apparently these head-banger cruises appeal to those ossifying boomers aching for one last "booze cruise."
Although based on the age of the most of the people I see cruising to Our Fair Salmon City, a cruise for similarly chronologically advanced nudists would probably cross over into the horror/zombie cruise market.
It, of course, offers special “treats” for such as seminars for cat lovers. You can even visit the descendants of Ernest Hemingway’s six toed cats in Key West.
But, alas, you can't actually bring YOUR cats with you on the cruise. That is absolute shame.
I would love to see a group of tourists descend upon the Hemingway House with about 400 kitties in tow! Ooh, the fur would fly.
But then, I suppose it would cost a fortune - and some really big rollers - to defur both the Carnivore Victory and Key West afterwards.
In this case you do get to bring your "baby" on board for the trip and then your bike is offloaded at each port for a special circuit around the island, which actually sounds kinda lame when you stop to think that just about every Caribbean Island looks like every other Caribbean Island and the only real recreations, shopping and sunbathing, are not the sort of things that your motorcycle will get much "mileage" out of.
Ghost cruises, psychics cruises, even a "Dark Shadows" themed cruise which apparently visits some locations where the main characters met according to the story line.
Good thing that Forks, Washington is not on the ocean otherwise there would also sorts of "Twilight" cruises docking there.
Blood sucking mosquitoes, yes. Blood thirsty bears, sure. Blood squeezing oil men, absolutely. But no vampires.
Natch, the ship would have to anchor in Thomas Bay and then the participants could choose to wander the dark woods, clothing optional, in search of either large foot prints or the eerie cry of a baby animal in the woods luring them into the water.
Or perhaps the cruise could visit the sites on Prince of Wales where sasquatch has been reported to turn trees upside down in the muskeg. Selfies with upside down trees that were wielded by big foots are sure to be very popular.
And how about a bear (as opposed to bare, see above) cruise. Currently visitors spend a gazillion dollars flying out to remote sites for bear viewing opportunities. Shouldn’t they be able to just view the bears on the Lido Deck? Even better, we can have some free range bears allowed to wander all the passenger decks. Getting into a glass elevator with a 350-pound black bear definitely allows visitors to “EXPERIENCE FIRST HAND THE WILDLIFE OF THE LAST FRONTIER.”
I thought about the idea of a “rain” cruise since all the visitors just love to hear about our annual 14 feet of wetness. But, really, that just sounds spending a week in a submarine. As much as our visitors say they want “Our Lifestyle” to be “Their Reward,” they really don’t mean it.
Finally, I would like to suggest a “Nowhere” cruise.
Everyone seems to have about something to Nowhere. A Road to Nowhere. A Race to Nowhere. A Pipeline to Nowhere. And, drum roll please, a Bridge to Nowhere.
Well, and this will come as no surprise, Wikipedia - the arbiter of all that is officially official knowledge in our modern world - has decreed that the proposed Gravina Island Bridge (actually the Ralph M. Bartholomew Veterans Memorial Bridge) is the BRIDGE TO NOWHERE.
Which means that Gravina Island is indeed “Nowhere.” So therefore we can have a Cruise to Nowhere. It just needs to tie up on Gravina or we can liter passengers across Tongass Narrows. Or even better we can have people fly in to Gravina (“Flight to Nowhere”) and then take a short cruise around Southern Southeast and come back to Gravina (“Cruise to Nowhere”) and visitors can have double the “Nowhere” to brag about to their friends back home about.
Heck, we could take them on a bus excursion on the South Gravina Highway (“Road to Nowhere”). Think of it, triple the “Nowhere” of any other cruise! Awesome.
I, for one, am certain that when cruisers go home, they are dying to say “Nowhere” when their mail person or grocer asks them where they went.
Heck, it would have to be more interesting than admitting they were on a “Dark Shadows” or “Meow, Meow” cruise.
Dave Kiffer is a freelance writer living in Ketchikan, Alaska.
Contact Dave at firstname.lastname@example.org
Dave Kiffer ©2015
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