White House Report Card
By Will Durst
December 29, 2005
The bipartisan 9/11 Commission released a report card on the
administration's efforts in the wake of the 9/11 attacks, and
to say the news wasn't good is like saying abandoned minefields
make for lousy hot air balloon staging grounds.
George Bush ought to thank
his lucky stars he doesn't have to take this report card home
to Poppy and Babs, because I'm betting he'd be grounded for at
least a semester and have the keys to his Porsche 944 turned
over to Jeb. Needless to say this is not the kind of card that
greases the skids for entrance into Yale, but that never bothered
Come to think of it, I'm sure
this kind of thing has happened before. One A, 12 B's, nine C's,
12 D's, five F's and 2 incompletes. A C-minus average. Half a
grade below the C student Bush proudly calls himself.
But this report was strictly
focused on the administration's response to 9/11. The commission
totally ignored other areas of the job. So, in the interest of
a more informed nation, and a fully rebuked president, I'm here
to do the rigorous work of finishing off the Bush administration's
Got us a new strategy for victory. Apparently our old strategy
for victory was defective. You know what? Custer had a strategy
for victory too.
Everything's just ducky if you're an oil company executive.
Not as ducky for those of us who aren't oil company executives.
One bright note: defying conventional wisdom, the environment
is still with us. One thing you can say under the Bush administration,
is that the nature trails are wider and more plentiful and the
fishing more challenging.
Due to the diligence of our intrepid vice president, incredible
strides continue to be made in the development of military craft
A mixed bag. Thousands of Mexicans continue to stream north across
the Rio Grande looking for decent paying jobs while at the same
time thousands of Americans continue to stream north across the
Canadian border looking for inexpensive pharmaceuticals and health
Administration promotes most torture-friendly atmosphere since
William Shatner ended his singing career.
Would have been an F, but the main reason it's mostly Republicans
caught taking bribes is nobody wants to bribe a Democrat, because
they can't get anything done.
EMERGENCY RESPONSE: F-
Wasn't aware New Orleans levees were at risk. My Aunt Hoogolah
in Rhinelander, Wis., knew. Didn't know refugees were huddled
in darkness of the New Orleans Convention Center. Anderson Cooper
knew. Hell, he probably turned out the lights.
Like most Bush appointees, FEMA head Michael Brown couldn't distinguish
his ass from yellow paint.
UNITING AMERICA: F
Because of Bush, this country is more polarized than a pawn in
a poorly manufactured magnetic chess set. Inspired large groups
of Christians to speak out against tolerance. Hope he's proud.
President obviously copied directly from Dick Cheney's foreign
policy homework assignment.
Encouraging the continued Republican hold over Congress and White
House by refusing to fund his education reforms.
American job market is imploding. Only growth industry is bankruptcy
TAKES RESPONSIBILITY FOR OWN
Goes so far in allowing industry lobbyists to write legislation,
there's a repair shop for tasseled loafers in the basement of
the White House.
Pleasant cursives in his autopen signature.
WORKS WELL WITH OTHERS: Unsatisfactory
Appoints John Bolton as U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations.
A man who is to diplomacy what Oscar Wilde was to whitewater
Political comic Will Durst
feels like a pawn in a poorly manufactured Civil War magnetic
Will Durst is a political
comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar
pundit on television. See www.willdurst.com for additional information
on Will's performance schedule.
His two CDs are available at laugh.com.
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©2005 Will Durst.
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