December 29, 2005
Thursday

The bipartisan 9/11 Commission released a report card on the administration's efforts in the wake of the 9/11 attacks, and to say the news wasn't good is like saying abandoned minefields make for lousy hot air balloon staging grounds.

George Bush ought to thank his lucky stars he doesn't have to take this report card home to Poppy and Babs, because I'm betting he'd be grounded for at least a semester and have the keys to his Porsche 944 turned over to Jeb. Needless to say this is not the kind of card that greases the skids for entrance into Yale, but that never bothered a Bush.

Come to think of it, I'm sure this kind of thing has happened before. One A, 12 B's, nine C's, 12 D's, five F's and 2 incompletes. A C-minus average. Half a grade below the C student Bush proudly calls himself.

But this report was strictly focused on the administration's response to 9/11. The commission totally ignored other areas of the job. So, in the interest of a more informed nation, and a fully rebuked president, I'm here to do the rigorous work of finishing off the Bush administration's report card.

IRAQ: F
Got us a new strategy for victory. Apparently our old strategy for victory was defective. You know what? Custer had a strategy for victory too.

ECONOMY: A
Everything's just ducky if you're an oil company executive.

ECONOMY: D-
Not as ducky for those of us who aren't oil company executives.

ENVIRONMENT: D
One bright note: defying conventional wisdom, the environment is still with us. One thing you can say under the Bush administration, is that the nature trails are wider and more plentiful and the fishing more challenging.

TECHNOLOGY: C
Due to the diligence of our intrepid vice president, incredible strides continue to be made in the development of military craft and weaponry.

IMMIGRATION: C
A mixed bag. Thousands of Mexicans continue to stream north across the Rio Grande looking for decent paying jobs while at the same time thousands of Americans continue to stream north across the Canadian border looking for inexpensive pharmaceuticals and health care.

TORTURE: F
Administration promotes most torture-friendly atmosphere since William Shatner ended his singing career.

ETHICS: D
Would have been an F, but the main reason it's mostly Republicans caught taking bribes is nobody wants to bribe a Democrat, because they can't get anything done.

EMERGENCY RESPONSE: F-
Wasn't aware New Orleans levees were at risk. My Aunt Hoogolah in Rhinelander, Wis., knew. Didn't know refugees were huddled in darkness of the New Orleans Convention Center. Anderson Cooper knew. Hell, he probably turned out the lights.

CRONYISM: F
Like most Bush appointees, FEMA head Michael Brown couldn't distinguish his ass from yellow paint.

UNITING AMERICA: F
Because of Bush, this country is more polarized than a pawn in a poorly manufactured magnetic chess set. Inspired large groups of Christians to speak out against tolerance. Hope he's proud.

ORIGINALITY: D
President obviously copied directly from Dick Cheney's foreign policy homework assignment.

EDUCATION: D
Encouraging the continued Republican hold over Congress and White House by refusing to fund his education reforms.

JOBS: D
American job market is imploding. Only growth industry is bankruptcy lawyers.

TAKES RESPONSIBILITY FOR OWN ACTIONS: Unsatisfactory
Goes so far in allowing industry lobbyists to write legislation, there's a repair shop for tasseled loafers in the basement of the White House.

PENMANSHIP: Satisfactory
Pleasant cursives in his autopen signature.

WORKS WELL WITH OTHERS: Unsatisfactory
Appoints John Bolton as U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations. A man who is to diplomacy what Oscar Wilde was to whitewater rafting.

Political comic Will Durst feels like a pawn in a poorly manufactured Civil War magnetic chess set.

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