Fiscal Cliff Traffic Report
By Will Durst
December 03, 2012
"Thanks Brandon. Well, its gotten pretty ugly out there, people. My best advice is, stay in your homes. As expected, following the holiday recess, we're seeing a lot of bluster and bombast building up on the Beltway, and the obstructionist blather has managed to stall headway on nearly every budget deal ramp to a virtual crawl.
Fiscal Cliff Compromise
It's not just the Beltway that's backed up. Main Street and Wall Street and the Path to Prosperity all report major slowdowns due to a multitude of partisan pile-ups. Some drivers seem to be purposefully ramming fellow travelers right off the road while others speed across median strips to dive into oncoming traffic seemingly with no thought to life or limb. Casualties continue to mount and officials worry about running out of tarps.
Many reasons have been offered up for Carmageddon spreading nationwide. Pure native stubbornness, leading to refusals to merge. Infrastructure deterioration. Widespread smoke screens creating low visibility. A plethora of misread signs due to intentionally misinterpreted polls. Death wishes. Insanity. Mad Cow.
Part of the problem can be attributed to the numerous turnarounds closed by committee chairmen to restrict desertion from party-line movement, and reports continue to stream in that a crazy person by the name of Grover Norquist has been single-handedly impeding traffic by standing in the ditch and flagging motorists off the road straight into various freeway abutments. Although it must be said, some cars do now seem to be aiming right for him, chasing the anti-cheerleader back to the safety of various rest stop bathroom stalls.
Veteran observers claim this activity is expected due to the mostly poor driving skills possessed by the residents of our nation's capital. But the upshot is, we're back to stalls and jams and near-total gridlock far into the foreseeable future. So remember to keep that dial here, where we bring you weather and traffic together on the eights, although to be perfectly honest, not much is expected to change any time soon. Back to you, Brandon."
Copyright 2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate to paid subscribers for publication.
The New York Times says Emmy- nominated comedian and writer Will Durst "is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today."