Who will win the Donald Trump Veepstakes?
By WILL DURST
July 07, 2016
Both campaigns have stalled like interstate highways under construction during rush hour on a holiday weekend, and stumbling on any actual new news is similar to finding football cleats in the Ballet Russe dressing room.
Trump Vice President Search
So it's time to play the only game in town, guessing who goes on the bottom of the bumper sticker, this week focusing on the Donald, which is tricky, because he's insulted at least half the field of prospective suitors.
First off, old friend, Sarah Palin, because the two make such an adorable couple.
Bernie Sanders, who would give the New York businessman a partner with legislative experience, not to mention really sticking it in Hillary's craw.
Newt Gingrich, who shares with the Donald the unbreakable bond of two ex-wives.
Ted Cruz, because the chance to see the two of them snarl and bark at each other for four months would become must see TV.
Ted Nugent, because nothing says "sticking it to the man" like a crazy aging long-haired rock and roller.
Ted Turner, because he and Trump are the yin and yang of 80s business failures. ,
Continuing the Ted thread, Ted Levine who played serial killer Buffalo Bill in "Silence of the Lambs."
Texas Senator John Tower. Sure he died in 1991, but the posters would all read Trump/Tower and, as the man himself would tell you, "free publicity is free publicity."
Ed McMahon, who although also dead, remains the ultimate "yes" man.
Boris Johnson, to nail down the wackiest hair in history ticket.
Phil Robertson, the elder of the Duck Dynasty clan because in comparison, the Donald would seem tranquil and serene.
Caitlyn Jenner, because that would really double down on the woman card and confuse liberals.
George Lopez, to play the green card. And if he turns it down, give it to Carlos Mencia, which would really tick him off.
Mike Tyson, because he was an early endorser and could translate some of Trump's more complex policies.
Kim Kardashian, because her butt counts as two electoral votes and come on, you know you want it.
Gary Busey, in order to make the New York businessman look more presidential.
Dennis Rodman. See above.
Omarosa Manigualt-Stallworth would act as assassination insurance because nobody would dare touch a hair on Trump's head for fear of giving her power over our navies.
And finally, Chris Christie as a reward for climbing so high up the Donald's butt he runs the risk of being arrested for impersonating a suppository.
Copyright 2016, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comedian and margarine smuggler. For sample videos and a calendar of personal appearances including the 23rd annual Big Fat Year End Kiss Off Comedy Show, December 26- January 3, go to willdurst.com.
The New York Times says Emmy- nominated comedian and writer Will Durst "is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today."
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