Frequently Asked Questions
about the President's Social Security Reform
By Will Durst
May 18, 2005
Q. So what's going on with that whole privatization of Social
Security thing these days?
A. Excuse me, but it's that whole PERSONALIZATION of Social Security
Q. What's the difference?
A. Nothing really. The second one tested better. Privatize -
bad. Personalize- good. Liberate - gooder. Lottery win - goodest.
Q. Why does everyone have big
beige banana bugs up their butt over the president's plans to
finally fix Social Security?
A. A lot of Baby Boomers think of this fix as the same kind of
fix a veterinarian performs on a dog.
Q. What do they think Bush
is trying to turn Social Security into?
A. Something not very social and no longer secure.
Q. What about the Wall Street
investment dealie part?
A. Dealie part?
Q. You know what I mean.
A. Since the Dow is down about 10 percent for the year, it's
been sort of put on the back burner.
Q. How far back?
A. Way back next to the capture of Osama
Q. Wow, that far? When was it exactly the Baby Boomers decided
to grow up and get old?
A. Don't know. I guess someone must have convinced them "old
is the new black." Of course we are talking about free money
here. Which could raise the blood pressure of anybody, much less
a grandma wearing a "Whitesnake" t- shirt. You ever
mistakenly take some blue-hair's nickel slot seat?
Q. But don't these greedy geezers-to-be
agree Social Security is in deep doo-doo and needs to be shored
A. Well, yeah, I guess, but you got to remember, Bush's Clear
Skies Bill allows for more pollution and his Healthy Forests
Initiative encourages logging, so you can understand how folks
might tend to worry that the real goal of his Social Security
Reform is less old people.
Q. What kind of ideas are being
implemented in Bush's recently released reform package?
A. Mostly the plan is to forestall future cuts in benefits by
cutting benefits in the future. Democrats call it a benefit cut.
Republicans call it a cut in the growth rate of benefits. But
I think there are maybe 80 other ways to throw benefit and cuts
into the same sentence, so we're not done here. We might even
see "bene cutifits," which probably means "above
average salami pants" in Italian.
Q. But doesn't the administration
maintain these benefit cuts are designed only to affect the wealthy?
A. Well, yeah, but according to the specifics of the plan, "wealthy"
is defined as anybody making over 20 grand a year. Which means
that a greeter at Wal-Mart or the kid behind the counter asking
"you want lids on these?" is a member of the financial
elite in Bush's America.
Q. What happens if Social Security
is allowed to fail?
A. Then we'll just have to return Bush's sepia-toned vision of
an olden-timey America that people lived in before being enveloped
into Roosevelt's Social Security straightjacket.
Q. Which is what?
A. Faith-based retirement.
Will Durst may not be old enough
to retire but some of his bones are starting to feel like it.
Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the
world. He is a familiar pundit on television. His two CDs are
available at laugh.com. Look for Will's collection of columns
"Raging Moderate" in a bookstore near you soon.
Distributed by Cagle Cartoons, Inc.
Email Will at firstname.lastname@example.org
©2005 Will Durst.
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