By Will Durst
May 01, 2005
Police have announced today that the House Majority Leader has been found naked in a bathtub next to a dead prostitute, hugging a bloody ax - the suspected murder weapon - to his chest, with the words 'Yes, I did it. Me.' written with the victim's blood on the bathroom mirror in the congressman's own handwriting. We've just heard a senior member of the minority delegation voice his argument as to why the leader deserves to have at least one if not both of his hands slapped. Do you, sir, agree with this punishment which would involve the admonishment of a member of your own party?"
"Thank you Tim. With all due respect to my good friend of long standing and esteemed associate from across the aisle, I condemn this character assassination of our revered leader, so obviously a scurrilous partisan attack, solely meant to distract we, the party of ideas from accomplishing the tasks the good and hard working people of America sent us here to Washington to achieve. I will tell you who the true victim is here, and it's not this alleged 'prostitute.' Its America, Tim. And America's crying because it is abundantly clear this is simply an assault by the radical left-wing press as part of their fundamental agenda to tear down the leader's leadership in which he excels by leading.
"Blood was found? What does that mean, Tim? Are we certain it is blood or could it possibly be just a blood-like substance? Ketchup perhaps? Heinz ketchup, perhaps? And let's say the jack-booted goons from CSI: DC find it to indeed be blood: might it not have come from one of the apes my distinguished adversary and his godless ilk are so certain we evolved from? Isn't the planting of this so-called blood just an example of the lengths the liberal media conspiracy and treacherous cadre of Al Qaeda sympathizers will go to railroad the man they hold responsible for many of the American freedoms they hate so much?
"I was under the impression this was still a free country, Tim, where a man is innocent until proven guilty. Have the Communists taken over? Has the Supreme Court suspended the 21st Amendment while I wasn't looking? I have seen nothing outside of a few grainy misleading photos of a naked woman hacked to bits, that leads me to believe this is anything but a conscientious civil servant trying to lead our country out of the darkness we were plunged into on 9/11. We must not leap to conclusions. How do we know the leader wasn't trying to warm the woman with his body heat after her ill-fated attempt at suicide?
"I'll tell you one thing, our leader is a fighter and if the spineless cowards in charge of this politically-motivated lynching think he is going to run away and hide because of one dead prostitute, they got another thing coming. I, for one, trust the fine and hard-working American people to see through this transparent fabrication as nothing but the fever dream of a bankrupt party striking out with their tiny little girlie fists, whose marching orders for this bogus partisan witch hunt can be traced directly to the desk of Hillary Clinton. Thank you, Tim. And how bout those Nationals?"
Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television. His two CDs are available at laugh.com. Look for Will's collection of columns "Raging Moderate" in a bookstore near you soon.
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