Plump Grumps Humping to Dump Trump
By WILL DURST
March 22, 2016
There's the Never Trump Movement, the Anybody But Trump Group, Death Before Trump, Plump Grumps Humping to Dump Trump, the I'd Rather Chew Leeches Crew, People for Responsible Hair and a group opposed to anybody with "UMP" in their name.
Rumor has it a group of Hollywood conservatives tried to recruit Tom Hanks to team with Sally Field and create a Super Pac called Forrest Trump, whose motto would be "Don't run, Donald, don't run."
As excited as Trump's supporters are over his unorthodox candidacy, his detractors are equally passionate about its necessary demise. And with incumbent Senators, other down-ticket candidates and people who just enjoy a party, the Anti-Trump Express has gotten as crowded as the last free beer bus to the game.
Chances are folks would flock onboard faster if the welcoming committee wasn't hosted by Ted Cruz. To many Republicans, Trump versus Cruz is way beyond rock and a hard place. It's closer to rampaging rhinoceros and train wreck on fire.
Each rival group has separate concerns. The establishment elites are naturally wary of any candidate not beholden to their help and influence. Especially since when discussing their raison d'etre- tax cuts, Trump has been all over the map. All over a lot of maps. Not necessarily English-speaking maps.
Some worry he could permanently damage the party brand. Others disparage him as a bloated, bigoted, misogynistic, narcissistic oaf, but emphasize they are not opposed to other bloated, bigoted, misogynistic, narcissistic oafs from holding public office. It's mostly a one-time thing.
What we are witnessing is no less than a fight for the soul of the Republican Party, which, is like a jurisdictional dispute over the Poetry Wing of the Federal Reserve. Wrestling for the fur of an eel.
Marco Rubio, speaking of Trump's refusal to denounce David Duke, said, "There's no room in the Republican Party for racists." Wow. I knew there were a lot of them; who would of thought all the slots were full? Must be an affirmative action program. Go to Mitch McConnell's office, take a number, wait your turn.
All sorts of strategies have been floated. Manipulating the rules at a contested convention. Organizing a third party. Staging a write-in campaign. Exhuming the body of Ronald Reagan. Kidnapping the Donald then substituting Paul Ryan, John Kasich or Carol Channing. And something darkly referred to as "The Kennedy Solution."
Activity intensified after an earlier strategy of the Anti-Trumpers backfired. Mitt Romney gave some silly sanctimonious speech patiently explaining to legions of insurrectionists why they should fall in line and take their marching orders from a loser like him. Wolves have given more charitable speeches to sheep.
What these desperate party regulars fail to realize is getting Trumpeteers to toe the establishment line is beyond futile. You'd have a better shot of herding drunken cats on ice in a hurricane. Best to think of these renegades like venomous ticks. The harder you pull, the more tenaciously they dig in.
Copyright 2016, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate.
Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comedian and margarine smuggler. For sample videos and a calendar of personal appearances including the 23rd annual Big Fat Year End Kiss Off Comedy Show, December 26- January 3, go to willdurst.com.
The New York Times says Emmy- nominated comedian and writer Will Durst "is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today."