By Will Durst
January 14, 2006
with great respect for
heritage that I am, (especially lacking any other fertile ideas
whatsoever). I am proud to honor this revered journalistic practice.
Hence, I have your predictions for the new year right here. Resolutions
will show up the next time I get stuck for other fresh and bright
ideas. In other words, soon. Happy 2006 everybody.
It is the beginning of the new year, and typically the time for
ink-stained wretches to trot out the tried but true ye olde predictions
piece. The wretches who don't resort to trotting out the trite-but-true
ye olde resolutions piece that is. Being the average traditionalist
IN THE YEAR 2006:
- I predict George W Bush will
continue to cut programs to the poor and the old so that rich
people can have more money. I also predict that through a series
of tragic financial reversals, the 43rd president will die both
poor and old. Because that's the way God would want it.
- I predict Tom DeLay will lose
his Houston Congressional race to Conservative Democrat Nick
Lampson who lost his seat in 04 due to DeLay's redistricting
scheme, because that's also the way God would want it.
- I predict this administration
will break more laws, then conduct investigations into who told
the press about the broke laws instead of investigating crimes
being broken. Like blaming Toto for the Wizard of Oz's incompetence.
- I predict Paris Hilton will
hold a press conference to which no one will come and she will
wither away like autumn leaves crushed by the tires of an 18
wheeler blown away in a brisk breeze.
- I predict Dick Cheney's face
will freeze like that.
- I predict technology will
become so user-friendly that geeks will go back to being nerds.
- I predict air travel will
become less user friendly to the point that certain discount
seats require pedaling.
- I predict the San Francisco
Giants will win the World Series, but in lieu of going to Disneyland
afterwards, Barry Bonds, the MVP, will instead be whisked straight
away to a retirement village for a series of recuperative salt
- I predict Bill Gates will
develop a donor recipient software program that makes himself
- I predict that Iraq will have
so many elections this year, that voter turnout will drop to
levels normally seen in North Dakota during force-five blizzards.
- I predict Tom Cruise will
lose another debate on "The Today Show," this time
to Katie Couric's assistant makup artist.
- I predict that during a stump
speech in upstate New York, gubernatorial candidate Donald Trump's
hair will be wind-whipped into the shape of a sail whisking him
airborne into a mall parking lot in suburban Vermont.
- I predict that lobbyist Jack
Abramoff's squealings will bring down so many members of Congress
that the 2007 Freshman Congressional House class will be known
as The Abramoff Babies.
- I predict Governor Arnold
Schwarzenegger will move so far to the left in his attempt to
mend fences with California voters that Fidel Castro will denounce
him as a socialist tool.
- I predict that Secretary of
Defense Donald Rumsfeld will engage in a bout of such verbal
gobbledygook he will confuse himself and finally be forced to
give a straight answer.
Political Comic Will Durst
wants to buy Donald Rumsfeld's verbal gymnastics workout plan.
Will Durst is a political
comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar
pundit on television. See www.willdurst.com for
additional information on Will's performance schedule.
His two CDs are available at laugh.com.
Distributed to subscribers by Cagle Cartoons, Inc.
Email Will at email@example.com
©2006 Will Durst.
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