If the Mainstream Media Covered Jesus' BirthBy TOM PURCELL
December 22, 2016
Bethany: Brent, what we know is that a carpenter named Joseph and his alleged virgin wife, Mary, traveled from Nazareth to Bethlehem to pay a tax that had been decreed by Caesar Augustus. It's rumored the two were delinquent, but finally consented to pay.
Brent: A couple of tea-party types, Bethany?
Bethany: That's the rumor, Brent. When they arrived, they couldn't find a room at the inn ---- even though Mary was with child ---- because of the heartless cuts Republicans made to housing vouchers.
Bethany: An alleged virgin, Brent. Members of the religious right are making the ludicrous claim that the child is a result of some kind of miracle.
Brent: Sounds to me like Mary and Joseph concocted this "miracle" tale to conceal something.
Bethany: No doubt, Brent. In any event, the baby Jesus was born in a stable and laid in a manger.
Brent: Why didn't Joseph take Mary to a hospital?
Bethany: Republican cuts to government health care would be my guess, Brent. This story gets more bizarre. The religious right claims that when the baby Jesus was born, shepherds in nearby fields saw angels appear. The angels allegedly declared that the "Savior" was born and that his name was Jesus Christ.
Brent: There must be a scientific explanation.
Bethany: Whatever the case, the religious right also claims that when Jesus was born, a star shone bright over Bethlehem. And that three kings hundreds of miles away saw the star. They followed it for many days until they arrived at the stable. They brought gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. Then they returned to their lands to spread the news.
Brent (laughing): What the heck is frankincense and myrrh?
Bethany (snorts): Beats me, Brent. To add drama to this incredible tale, King Herod has fallen for the absurd claims spread by the religious right. The king is threatened by allegations that the baby Jesus is the "Savior" and the "Messiah." He has ordered that Jesus be killed.
Brent: That's no laughing matter, Bethany.
Bethany: Sources tell me the young family just fled Bethlehem with King Herod's men hot on its tail.
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Bethany: How far away is the army from the family?
Brent: According to our satellite technology, the family is exactly 8 miles east of Egypt's border. King Herod's army is only 5 miles east of the family. Wait, it appears that King Herod's army has abruptly changed direction. The army is heading toward the family at a rapid clip.
Bethany (laughing): Sounds like somebody tipped them off, Brent!
Brent: We need to break for commercial, but when we come back, we'll bring you the latest on the birth of Jesus Christ. Will the young family survive? The answer when we return.
Tom Purcell, author of "Misadventures of a 1970's Childhood" and "Wicked Is the Whiskey," a Sean McClanahan mystery novel, both available at Amazon.com, is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc.
E-mail Tom at Tom@TomPurcell.com
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