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If Osama Were to Speak to the Grads
By Tom Purcell


May 19, 2007

Renegades, nonbelievers and infidels, it is a great honor for you that I speak at your graduation ceremony today. I am here to tell you that you are wrong, whereas I, Osama, am receiving precise instructions from God, who has told me to kill you.

If Osama has told you once, he's told you a thousand times: stop supporting Israel. We dislike the Jews. We dislike the Christians, too. In fact, we dislike the Buddhists, Hindus, Taoists and Osama has forgotten the full list of religions he dislikes, but you get the point.

And we want you out of our sacred lands. Leave! Bugger off! As soon as you leave, we will destroy Israel. We will destroy all the corrupt governments that you prop up. We will establish theocracies to rule all of the Middle East, and then we can really get cooking!

First, we'll shut off our oil taps to the West, sending your markets into chaos. We'll use the remaining oil wealth to fund global Jihad. From East to West, North to South, we'll root the infidels out of the rest of the world. We'll do so because God is giving me, and a handful of other men, precise instructions.

Oh, how glorious the world will be then. A small band of men will hold all the power and lord over all the people. Just as we do now, we will appear to be pious and subservient, when, in fact, we are really egotists and narcissists who use religion to drape ourselves in absolute power and the adulation of millions.

We will never promote freedom, as you western pigs see it. There will be no separation of religion and state, no representative government or elections, and no individual rights, especially for women. The only rule of law will be OUR rules, as determined by the precise instructions God is giving me and a handful of others.

This is why we fight in Iraq -- to destroy the occupiers. We will not let you infiltrate our lands and our minds with the sin, corruption and immorality that is common to your people. We don't want your lousy movies and loose women -- we detest your Madonna and Paris Hilton and shows on MTV that corrupt the young.

We resent the way you treat your women, too. Whereas you date freely, Osama is saddled with four wives. All I hear is "Osama, when are you coming home?" and "Osama, we haven't redecorated the cave since the beginning of Jihad." There are days Osama thinks about blowing up himself!

So listen up, you short-attention-span non-believers, you will lose in Iraq, the Middle East, then Europe and eventually the world. This is because you are weak cowards who lack will. But all my people are pulling together. Even the women are playing a role, because someone has to make the sandwiches.

Unlike you, we are willing to die for our cause. In fact, many of our people WANT to die. We want the 70 virgins waiting for us in the next life (sure, some scholars think the proper translation is "70 vegetarians," but Osama sees no reason to share this with new recruits).

Whereas we are unified, your people are divided and confused. I know because I watch your cable news shows. Some of your people think Bush, not Osama, was behind the 9/11 attacks. We love such division!

We love it because it is a sign of weakness. The weaker you are, the more we will strike. And the more we strike, the weaker you will become. This is why we will win and you will lose.

So know this, American class of 2007. As fanatics such as Osama get their way, and it is just a matter of time before we do, all infidels of the world will face a crossroads. To paraphrase the immoral Jewish comedian Woody Allen, one path will lead to utter destruction and hopelessness, the other to death and despair.

May you have the wisdom to make the right choice.

©2007 Tom Purcell
Tom Purcell's weekly political humor column runs in papers and Web sites across America. Tom Purcell is a humor columnist nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons.
For comments to Tom, please email him at Purcell[at]
Distributed to subscribers for publication by Cagle Cartoons, Inc.

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