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Torch Sessions

by Joseph Branco

January 11, 2005

Ketchikan, Alaska - I love most of my well-intentioned liberal friends whose opinions, however flawed and idealistic, stem from a genuine care for human life and the desire to protect others. My friends and their like-minded ilk across the country quest for fairness and equality, often finding their solutions beyond the confines of common sense and

jpg Joseph Branco

Joseph Branco & son Wesley
reality. It is through this love and respect for my bleeding-heart brethren that I offer my own solution for their many woes. It is time we finally give our liberal folks a chance to prove us all wrong.

I suggest that we create a new country and name it: Peaceland. Peaceland will consist of the former states of California, Washington, and Oregon. This location was chosen to cut down the number of Peacelandians needed to relocate.

Peaceland will finally take all of the brilliant ideas produced by the left and put them into action and policy. Peaceland will have a come one, come all immigration policy. Anyone can come and enjoy the wonderful programs, services, and people of Peaceland. The new nation will offer free health care to all citizens. Substantial money can be saved through the elimination of most maternity wards as abortions become the new symbol of freedom and women's liberation in Peaceland. As a strong first step the government will also legalize and encourage gay marriage for all citizens and provide educational programs starting in Kindergarten to encourage it. The government will create new affirmative action standards that will require 50% of every business's employees to be women, 50% be black, 50% be Latino, 50% be homosexual, and 50% be disabled. Competition in sports, school, and business will be outlawed. Every teacher in Peaceland will get $500,000 per year and an additional two months of summer vacation. Guns will be outlawed. The newly born country will utilize the "understanding" approach to law, whereas instead of sentencing criminals to jail, criminals (respectfully renamed "Guests of the State") will be sent to special programs to help them identify and deal with the problems that are really to blame. Peaceland will firmly uphold the right to free speech, unless of course anything is said that could offend any group or individual. Several new programs, departments, and services will be set up for this new land. Don't worry about the cost; every citizen will be taxed 50% of their income, unless you are rich (established at $60,000 or more per year), who will pay 75% of their income. The funding is required to afford these important new government departments and programs:

  • Thought Police
  • Department of Redistribution of Wealth
  • Department of Red Tape and Small Print
  • Department of Unity
  • Department of Censorship
  • Department of Protest
  • Department of Fairness
  • Department of Solar Power
  • Department of Celebrities
  • Department of Health Care
  • Department of Anti-Spanking
  • Department of Anti-Religion
  • Department of Women are Better than Men
  • Department of Criminal's Rights
  • Department of Outlawing Everything
  • Department of Revisionist Education
  • Department of Animal Sovereignty
  • Department of Trial Lawyer Worship
  • Department of Government Expansion
  • Department of Power of Positive Thinking
  • Department of Recycling
  • Department of Organic Food

People must refer to themselves in their hyphenated form:

New South Wales-PeaceLander

Because it is our differences that help make us so together!

Cotton, rayon, leather, and gold will also be outlawed because they cause cancer. Big corporations are outlawed as well. As soon as your business becomes too successful, you will be outlawed. The colors blue, black, and yellow will also be outlawed. Meat can only be eaten from animals that died from natural causes, skyrocketing the price a hamburger to $650. Outsourcing to foreign countries is also outlawed, making all product prices 10 times current rates.

Hollywood will, no doubt, be the capital of Peaceland. The "Founding People" (Not "Fathers" because that would be sexist) will have statues erected in their honor in front of the non-denominational, gender neutral dove shaped house of the President. Statues of Michael Moore, Rodney King, OJ Simpson, Barbara Steisand, Al Franken, Gloria Allred, Saddam Hussein, Allan Ginsberg, Abbie Hoffman, Dr. Spock and Ted Kennedy line the capital street.

I think it is only fair that the left get this chance to run things with the same Kumbayah spirit we have all come to roll our eyes at. I have already started mass producing Peaceland national flags - solid white (originally it had a happy face - but the founding people could not agree on what color the happy face should be) - between France and Peaceland; these babies have been selling like hotcakes on the black market! Too bad Capitalism was outlawed. God Bless Peaceland - er, oops, I did not mean to offend. I mean - Good Luck!

Don't worry folks; in the interest of equality, look for my future column about the unique extremes the newly formed conservative country of the United States will enjoy.


Jospeh Branco ©2005
All Rights Reserved

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