SitNews - Stories in the News - Ketchikan, Alaska

Are You Really Ready for An Alaska Man?
By Dave Kiffer


December 13, 2007
Thursday AM

Ketchikan, Alaska - From time to time I have noted that I'm still receiving numerous emails from Outsiders - mostly of the female persuasion - wanting info about Alaska.

jpg Dave Kiffer

More specifically, they want to know how similar the real Alaska is to the "Alaska" that is portrayed in the television show "Men in Trees."

Of course, they are not interested in hearing the reality about Alaska.

They want to move here and experience the "fantasy" that they have seen on television. Oh and, by the way, do I know any good men they could hook up with they get here?

I have given up trying to dissuade them.

Instead I'm setting up an internet match-making service. It will only cost them $99 the first month and $99 each month thereafter charged to their credit cards for as long as they are members.

Naturally, I will give them a special toll number to call to cancel their memberships when they have been successfully hitched. 1-804-382-2583 or 1-80G-ETA-CLUE. Operators will be standing by!

I have put a lot of thought into this.

I have even gone as far as to stop everything else that I was doing for a few seconds to think only about this. That alone qualifies as a "well thought out plan" by Alaska standards.

After all, this is a land where the official state motto remains "Think big or don't think at all."

But, as usual, I digress.

During those few seconds, I figured out the best indicator of "life partner compatibility" in Alaska.

I call it the "29 Convergences of Shackup-ability."

I have isolated twenty nine important compatibility intersections for anyone wishing to "bag" a real Alaska man!

They are as follows:

1. I like beef jerky, he likes beef jerky.

2. I have a nuclear assault rifle, he has a nuclear assault rifle..

3. I hate "the government", he hates "the government."

4. I love my permanent fund check, he loves his permanent fund check.

5. I want to "pimp" my four-wheeler, he wants to "pimp" his four-wheeler.

6. I have a truck on blocks the yard, he has a truck on blocks in the yard.

7. I think indoor plumbing is optional, he thinks indoor plumbing is optional.

8. I want to have 25 kids, he wants to have 25 kids (see #4 above).

9. I have sunk two boats, he has sunk two boats.

10. I have a dog named @#*&@#!, he has a dog named @#*&@#!.

11. I think "catch and release" is wimpy, he thinks "catch and release" is wimpy.

12. I hate "environmentalists," he hates "environmentalists."

13. I think eating utensils are optional, he thinks eating utensils are optional.

14. I think other folks should pay taxes, he thinks other folks should pay taxes.

15. I think "tyvek" is permanent siding, he thinks "tyvek" is permanent siding.

16, I think personal hygiene is optional, he thinks personal hygiene is optional.

17. I know ten recipes for reindeer, he knows ten recipes for reindeer.

18. I think frostbite is good for your skin, he thinks frostbite is good for your skin.

19. I belong to the "beer of the month club," he belongs to the "beer of the month club.".

20. I love moose head furniture, he loves moose head furniture.

21. I think "minus 10" is balmy, he thinks " minus 10" is balmy.

22. I want to live "off the grid," he wants to live "off the grid."

23. I own a float plane, he owns a float plane.

24. I think that Chevak is too "big city," he thinks that Chevak is too "big city."

25. I think walrus is the "other white meat," he thinks walrus is the "other white meat"

26. I love skeeter bites, he loves skeeter bites.

27. I love my federal "earmarks", he loves his federal "earmarks."

28. I think global warming is hooey, he thinks global warming is hooey.

29. I watch "Men in Trees," he watches "Men in Trees."

Okay, check your answers one more time for completeness.

While an answer left blank may allow you to pass the Alaska High School Graduation Qualifying Exam, we have a higher standard here.

Our decisions are for life partnerships and not simply to make sure you can fill out a job application and say "would you like fries with that" at the appropriate time in the order.

Now, give yourself one point for each convergence that is true.

Nota bene: It is not fair to give yourself a point for any answer that "could" be true.

Alaska men are well known for lacking patience. If they had patience they wouldn't have ended up in Alaska in the first place.

So, how did you do?

0-10 points

Come on, Princess, you're not trying hard enough!

10 - 20 points

Getting better. Maybe you want to try a "starter marriage" in North Dakota first.

20- 25 points

The odds are good, but goods remain odd

25 - 29 points

Hey, didn't we go to high school together?

Dave Kiffer is a freelance writer living in Ketchikan, Alaska.
Contact Dave at

Dave Kiffer ©2007

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