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Let's Play: Name That Cruise Ship!!!
By Dave Kiffer


February 21, 2008

Ketchikan, Alaska - Royal Caribbean wants my opinion!

jpg Let's Play: Name That Cruise  Ship!!!  By Dave Kiffer

Well, not exactly.

My wife Charlotte wants my opinion about what Royal Caribbean should name its next cruise ship.

She thinks that I can come up with a great name for the ship(s) and then she can win a luxury cruise for two. I assume she plans to take me with her. Of course, my mother told me never to assume because. Ooops, I can't continue with that adage because this is a family website.

Anyway, Charlotte wants me to use my few remaining creative brain cells to come up with a great name. She thinks that I can think of something that hasn't occurred yet to Royal Caribbean and won't occur to the other one or two million folks who will also enter the contest.

The name has to end in "Of The Seas" because that's what all the Royal Caribbean ships do. It's their "corporate brand." You already know what I think about "brands." They tend to be painful. But as usual, I digress.

First, I checked the corporate website to see all the names that were already in use. The company officials would probably be flattered if I honored their creativity by picking a name that was already in use. But then they would probably figure they didn't need to give a free trip to someone who was simply "sucking up" by suggesting their current names were too perfect to meddle with.

So such options as "Celebrity," "Independence" and "Freedom" are taken as are "Rhapsody," "Splendor" and "Expense."

Actually, they haven't named a ship the "Expense of the Seas" yet, but they do want the new name to "reflect the amenities and innovations" offered on the ships so it seems like the logical next name.

Naturally, I consulted a friend who keeps a close eye on the cruise ships. He does a great job of tying them up.

"What about the "Chicken (CENSORED) of the Sea," he offered, making an allusion to those old "Charlie Tuna" commercials.

"Uh," I deferred. "I just can't imagine them having that much of a sense of humor with a $750 million dollar asset."

But he did get me thinking that in order to win, I would truly have to think outside of the (big floating) box.

Maybe one could harken back to the good, old "Love Boat" Days.

The "Aphrodisia (Viagra) of the Seas" would certainly fit that bill. Imagine how "Doc," "Gopher," "Captain Stubing" and all those other stars and guests stars would be hopping with a big white boat named after the "little blue pill?"

Unfortunately, the Love Boats are now owned by Royal Caribbean's "to the death" rival, Carnivore, err, Carnival Cruises. Probably not best to bring up that painful bit of company history.

Maybe it's time to celebrate what is really the best part of cruising. The "midnight buffet."

Come on, you'd sign up for a trip on the "Gluttony of the Seas" wouldn't you?

I know I would.

Okay, so this IS harder than it looks. (If you want to play along at home the deadline is Feb. 29)

Once upon a time, you took a cruise to get away from it all. The idea was to leave your real life behind and - imagine that - relax.

Of course, today the cruise lines all try to entice you with everything from "climbing walls" to "Free Wi-Fi." All of which simply leads to you coming back more tired than when you left. What's the point of that?

So, why not get back to days when "thinking about shuffleboard" was about as "active" as it got.

"Lethargy of the Seas" sounds just about right to me. Definitely my idea of a perfect vacation. Two weeks of being "prone."

Yes, you're right. I suppose "lethargy" could be thought of as a bit pejorative. Especially when other cruise lines are hectoring their passengers to "get out there." Wherever the heck "there" is.

And how do you get back from "there" anyway? Visitors to Ketchikan seem to get lost just going from the ships to KVB Building. But I digress once again.

And besides, RCL wants the new name to reflect all the bells and whistles these new ships will have.

Everything from Casinos to floor shows to the tinkling of loose jewelry in on-board (duty free! duty free! duty free!) shops.

Sounds more like "Cacophony of the Seas" to me.

Maybe I need to think geographically here.

These "Gargantua of The Seas" won't be coming up this way much. I'm not even sure they can fit through the Panama Canal. They will probably be ExtraMegaSuperPanaMax class.

So they will be content to "warehouse" large groups of guests (paying customers) back and forth across the Caribbean, which - compared to Alaska cruising - is endlessly flat and endlessly sunny

That leads us to the only logical conclusion for a name for the newest "Meglomania of the Seas."

Drum roll please...

"Monotony of the Seas."

Then again, maybe they don't want my opinion after all.

Sorry, Charlotte.

Dave Kiffer is a freelance writer living in Ketchikan, Alaska.
Contact Dave at

Dave Kiffer ©2008

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