By Dave Kiffer
February 21, 2008
Well, not exactly.
My wife Charlotte wants my
opinion about what Royal Caribbean should name its next cruise
She thinks that I can come
up with a great name for the ship(s) and then she can win a
luxury cruise for two. I assume she plans to take me with her.
Of course, my mother told me never to assume because. Ooops,
I can't continue with that adage because this is a family website.
Anyway, Charlotte wants me
to use my few remaining creative brain cells to come up with
a great name. She thinks that I can think of something that
hasn't occurred yet to Royal Caribbean and won't occur to the
other one or two million folks who will also enter the contest.
The name has to end in "Of
The Seas" because that's what all the Royal Caribbean ships
do. It's their "corporate brand." You already know
what I think about "brands." They tend to be painful.
But as usual, I digress.
First, I checked the corporate
website to see all the names that were already in use. The company
officials would probably be flattered if I honored their creativity
by picking a name that was already in use. But then they would
probably figure they didn't need to give a free trip to someone
who was simply "sucking up" by suggesting their current
names were too perfect to meddle with.
So such options as "Celebrity,"
"Independence" and "Freedom" are taken as
are "Rhapsody," "Splendor" and "Expense."
Actually, they haven't named
a ship the "Expense of the Seas" yet, but they do
want the new name to "reflect the amenities and innovations"
offered on the ships so it seems like the logical next name.
Naturally, I consulted a friend
who keeps a close eye on the cruise ships. He does a great job
of tying them up.
"What about the "Chicken
(CENSORED) of the Sea," he offered, making
an allusion to those old "Charlie Tuna" commercials.
"Uh," I deferred.
"I just can't imagine them having that much of a sense
of humor with a $750 million dollar asset."
But he did get me thinking
that in order to win, I would truly have to think outside of
the (big floating) box.
Maybe one could harken back
to the good, old "Love Boat" Days.
The "Aphrodisia (Viagra)
of the Seas" would certainly fit that bill. Imagine how
"Doc," "Gopher," "Captain Stubing"
and all those other stars and guests stars would be hopping
with a big white boat named after the "little blue pill?"
Unfortunately, the Love Boats
are now owned by Royal Caribbean's "to the death"
rival, Carnivore, err, Carnival Cruises. Probably not best to
bring up that painful bit of company history.
Maybe it's time to celebrate
what is really the best part of cruising. The "midnight
Come on, you'd sign up for
a trip on the "Gluttony of the Seas" wouldn't you?
I know I would.
Okay, so this IS harder than
it looks. (If you want to play along at home the deadline is
Once upon a time, you took
a cruise to get away from it all. The idea was to leave your
real life behind and - imagine that - relax.
Of course, today the cruise
lines all try to entice you with everything from "climbing
walls" to "Free Wi-Fi." All of which simply leads
to you coming back more tired than when you left. What's the
point of that?
So, why not get back to days
when "thinking about shuffleboard" was about as "active"
as it got.
"Lethargy of the Seas"
sounds just about right to me. Definitely my idea of a perfect
vacation. Two weeks of being "prone."
Yes, you're right. I suppose
"lethargy" could be thought of as a bit pejorative.
Especially when other cruise lines are hectoring their passengers
to "get out there." Wherever the heck "there"
And how do you get back from
"there" anyway? Visitors to Ketchikan seem to get
lost just going from the ships to KVB Building. But I digress
And besides, RCL wants the
new name to reflect all the bells and whistles these new ships
Everything from Casinos to
floor shows to the tinkling of loose jewelry in on-board (duty
free! duty free! duty free!) shops.
Sounds more like "Cacophony
of the Seas" to me.
Maybe I need to think geographically
These "Gargantua of The
Seas" won't be coming up this way much. I'm not even sure
they can fit through the Panama Canal. They will probably be
So they will be content to
"warehouse" large groups of guests (paying customers)
back and forth across the Caribbean, which - compared to Alaska
cruising - is endlessly flat and endlessly sunny
That leads us to the only logical
conclusion for a name for the newest "Meglomania of the
Drum roll please...
"Monotony of the Seas."
Then again, maybe they don't
want my opinion after all.
Contact Dave at email@example.com
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