DEAR CRABBY,

My boyfriend and I have been together just under 2 years. I love him even though he has fooled around on me about 8 times. I wanted to work through it, but am getting worried. He doesn't come around much lately, except for sex and money. Then I have no idea where he goes or what's going on until he wants more.

I have his baby, so I feel responsible. I should be planning my future because I am only 19 and am supposed to have my whole life to look forward to. I can't stand the thought of going it alone, but I'm starting to feel used. I don't trust him anymore, but I know people can change, so should I try to wait or just give up and get out now?

BREAKING HEART

DEAR BREAKING HEART,

You are starting to feel used? Of course he returns to you- you are his booty call! He's old enough to impregnate you, but asks you for money... he sounds about 16 or 17. When he disappears, did you think to call his mom's house? Sounds about his speed. Check the basement.

I advise you to call that TV show "Cheaters". You can confront him in some parking lot with his next victim and humiliate them both on TV! Be sure and use the baby for dramatic effect. Also, this may be a great opportunity to meet the father of your next baby, as that show has a lot of pathetic people like you all on it. They seem to specialize in trailer trash, but I have some contacts and feel sure they will make an exception in your case.

DEAR CRABBY,

I have just watched my third marriage end. I've nearly come to the conclusion that I don't get and will never get, women. I refuse to believe it was all my fault. Nevertheless, each wife complained that I was selfish and insensitive. I still maintain that I had no idea what they wanted from me. I didn't stray, I don't drink, smoke or gamble. We always seemed to be on different levels- emotionally, intellectually, everything. Please tell me there is a way for men and women to overcome their differences. I don't want to grow old alone, but this is ridiculous, as well as expensive. I am,

LOSING HOPE

DEAR LOSING,

There are many known truths in this world, and the ones concerning the differences between the sexes are numerous and complex. Today I will share a few of them with you. Get out a pen and take notes kids.

1. When you need advice: Your mother is always right. Weird, but right. Your father couldn't care less. Bite the bullet, take the pain.

2. Most men have the innate ability to appear calmer than women in an emotionally charged situation, so even if we are sound in our logic and just in our actions, we can seem unstable, and they'll seem rational.

3. Men have no hang-ups about displaying a big body in a small swimsuit. Women will pile on multiple layers of clothes in 110º weather in an effort to camouflage thier size and shape.

4, Women will leave their list at home and yet remember 95% of the groceries, and 80% of the errands. Men need to write it down if the shopping list goes over 2 items, and they will still come home with the wrong thing, having forgotten to look at the list. Women may shop both hers and the neighbors' list as well, due to the "really good sales".

The Sexes Balance Each Other Out

5. Men made Hard Rock, Rap, and Heavy Metal popular. Women made Easy Listening, (i.e. Barry Manilow, Abba) and Disco popular (well, us and a whole lot of gay guys). Men hear less, women dance more.

6. Men are reluctant to ask for directions. Women will ask a deranged chimp for directions if it will avoid driving in circles for an afternoon, thus wasting valuable shopping or visiting time. Some women don't ask, having resigned themselves to being lost often, many enjoying the view, the peace, and opportunity to sing at the top of our lungs.

7. Men are more efficient and to the point than women, preferring to get the task done and move on, such as clothes shopping. "Get it over with", they think. "There might be a game on somewhere and a can of Cheese Whiz with my name on it". The women are thinking, "Hmmm. I could use a new blouse. Sixteen bucks? Not bad. Wow. Look at those new skirts- and shoes! I wonder if they have my size. I better look. They won't be here next time I come in. What was I here for? Oh yeah, Little Jimmy's jeans, chips, and Cheese Whiz".

8. Women think differently about nutrition than men. We think: Food groups: Chicken, Salad, Yogurt, Latte'. Men think: Steak, Pizza, Bacon, Milkshake.

9. Women love Mel Gibson, George Clooney and Sean Connery. Men love John Wayne, Clint Eastwood and Sean Connery. (Really now, who doesn't love Sean Connery?)

10. Men are good at working on cars. Women are good at neglecting cars.

11. When sick, men will lie on the couch, suffering and whining like 2 year olds. Women will clean house while in labor.

And the list is endless. We each have our good points and bad points. If you don't understand women, we will take (or give) great pains to help you do so. That's right, guys. Remember what dad said. Bite the bullet.

crabcakes@sitnews.org

 

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