DEAR CRABBY,

This issue of relationships between employees in the school district -- like in-house romances and switching partners and all that stuff -- it's not new, I'm sure. At least in the past, when Principal A took off with elementary teacher B, we'd hear about it on the telephone, from an insider, usually in a discreet whisper. And then we'd pass it on with the speed of a bullet.

Now, it seems, the school board is discussing such things openly at meetings (like on television!) and the newspaper is merrily picking it all up as "news." Huh? I thought that was more like gossip - or minding someone else's business. I also thought such personnel issues were one of the things that are the VALID reasons for executive sessions - or secret sessions as the arguably paranoid folks call them.

What gives? Who's hiring these randy teachers and/or administrators? And what's with the daily paper printing it? What do you think about it all?

ADMITTEDLY SNOOPY KETCHIKANITE

DEAR ASK,

WOW! I thought it was me! I make concerted efforts not to watch any televised meetings, as I have a serious tendency to want to go yell at people I don't know very well. (This includes the West Wing. Never watched it. Now you know). I'll add that I know nothing specific, or even anything in general of what you're saying. I hear and disregard most of my gossip straight from the students themselves.

Still, since we all agree that other than the above, I know everything, and have for quite some time now, I feel qualified to make a few pertinent suggestions. These are based completely on rumor; mostly disseminated by my own children and their friends. Still, is it true that oftentimes rumors are based in fact, as exciting and distorted as they may be? Hmmm....

Principles should not go about "hitting on" teachers. I ignored the kids until you wrote. Ummmm, juuuicy. Also WAY out of line, if this awful insinuation is true. The children are incredibly observant, but not especially perceptive or discerning, and only sometimes intuitive. So even the slightest appearance of inappropriate activity must cease and desist! NO MORE SMILING! (Like I really care). Flirt after school!

Teachers rumored by the kids to "be gay" should dress somewhere other than the locker room on swim days. And show up with someone of the opposite sex in public on occasion. This is a small town, and unless you are currently married, or have been divorced in the past, we will spread rumors! You must also have been a nearly rowdy youth to be above talk.

School Board members should go home and discuss each other, their kids, and their relatives and who they all may be cavorting with, and not those unrelated to them. There is plenty of underage drinking by respected people's children, plenty of unmarried mommas, and petty crimes going on in the best of homes in this country. We don't need to be wasting valuable time on the salacious activities of others. If you can't find anything sleazy in your own family to discuss, ask around. I'm sure someone (perhaps a neighbor) will know something to help you out.

CLASS DISMISSED!

P.S. Which issue of the Daily News were you referring to?

DEAR CRABBY,

My parents are getting a new car, and I want the old one. I'm having trouble convincing them I can drive safely in our weather. They say all the snow and rain causes more accidents, and so do people my age. What can I tell them to make them have faith in me and give me the car?

SAFE AND RESPONSIBLE STUDENT

DEAR SARS,

No, no, that's not it. They know what your insurance will cost and are trying to avoid it for a while. Besides, they can sell it for money!

As far as the weather goes; yes, it can be treacherous. But it is the stupidity of human error that is to be feared. I'm watching the news the other night, and see more flooding in the Washington DC area. The officials there are once again (Once again?!?!) having to remind people that it is not a wise idea to be trying to drive in the melted snow, as attempting to traverse some of those roads could drown you.

Now, why is this necessary? Are there people (We'll say 'Bertha') driving along in their cars saying, "Hmm. That doesn't look too bad. I'll bet my little car can take that. I've been feeling like a boat ride lately anyway." Never mind that the water is obviously more than 3 feet deep and Bertha has never even been on a boat. Oh! Here come the Rescuers! Bertha unrolls the windows and the aid guys struggle to pull her ample self out of the little car window. She screams as the steering wheel refuses to tilt. Not this time, Bertha, suck it in! And we all watch and laugh. And contemplate that diet.

crabcakes@sitnews.org

 

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