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Dear Crabby
by Mrs. Crabcakes - Ketchikan, Alaska

This column is strictly for entertainment purposes only and
is not intended to be taken to heart as serious advice.


November 29, 2004


jpg CrabcakesDear Crabby,

I'm a 15 year old girl in Ketchikan. I have just found out that I'm pregnant. The problem is that the guy who got me pregnant has a girlfriend. I don't know how to tell him that I'm pregnant. The guy is 17 years old and already has one child and now I'm pregnant with his and I really don't know how to tell him because I know that he really likes his girlfriend and she said that just the other day he had proposed to her. I really don't know how to tell him that I'm pregnant with his kid or if I even should tell him.

Pregnant and Sorry



Wow. I'll bet you're sorry. I can't imagine how to remotely joke about this. So listen up, and by all means, take notes:

"The guy that got you pregnant" should correctly be referred to as "The jerk that got me pregnant", and you should know enough at your age to accept responsibility for a percentage of incredible stupidity on your part.

The reason I say this, is you knew he had a girlfriend and a baby, and you still got close enough let him get you into that situation??? Enough of that for now. You'll hear it from your parents (as well as all your older, wiser relatives).

1. Put your emotions towards this guy away. You'll need them later, to tolerate him (and his wife?) while he visits his child.

2. Tell your parents-at least your mom. After the initial 10 "flipping out" minutes, she'll be your best ally. And you'll need one. For years to come.

3. Tell him? Not yet. Not until you have established that it can be proven he is the father. Chances are, his parents will not want their son on the hook for more child support during the next 18 years without proof, and will fight efforts on your part to collect it. Blood tests, DNA, whatever. Get it.

4. You should not take it upon yourself alone to tell the father/kid. You and your parents should 'drop by' his house for a little family visit, thus forcing him to behave while hearing it.

5. Alternately, you could send his family a nice Christmas card, announcing the gift you'll be delivering in a few months. This is less confrontational, and hopefully, it will keep him from telling you how stupid you were to get pregnant, treating you badly because he's panicking that he's done it again.

Making the dumb victim feel bad, rather than accepting responsibility, is a thing immature people do in situations like this. And make no mistake, he is immature. To continue to have sex at 17, before you are out of high school, before you can support a baby, before you are old enough to handle the enormous stress of offspring, and especially after you have already ruined your life by doing the aforementioned, is terribly immature. To not learn your lessons from such a dramatic event is, well, retarded. I suggest you put that baby on a steady diet of fish (brain food), broccoli (more vitamins than any other veggie), and Sesame Street. That child is going to need all the help it can get in the intelligence dept.

Maybe name the baby Kelso (70's show)-to remind you that 'hard to resist' and 'stupid' can go together. And never allow yourself to be used again.

Good luck kid, you're going to need it. Oh yeah, and Happy Holidays.




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