DEAR CRABBY,

This is such a serious problem that I am thinking of separation. My wife is an Internet chat-room addict. She logs on and talks to people from all over. "Sheila" thinks they are her best friends, and when I question her about them, she gets defensive. I ask her how she knows who they are, and she says, "Don't worry about it. I know." She thinks this is a harmless hobby and not my business because it's on her own time.

It bothers me that Sheila 'speaks' so casually to these people. I've looked over her shoulder when going by, and she is very personal with all of them, even flirting with the men. I'm afraid she's going to set up a meeting, and I won't be home to stop her. I feel I'm losing her.

I know about spy software for the computer so I can read everything she types, but I really don't want to do that. Any suggestions on how I can keep my wife without turning into Spyman?

PETER, PETER

DEAR PUMPKIN EATER,

Yeah, we get it. ...Had a wife and couldn't keep her. This situation could be tougher than a cheap steak. But you need to take control here.

What if the guy she goes to meet isn't some kind of demented and depraved wife-murdering America's Most Wanted-poster-boy convict type? What if he is a truly good looking, hard working, successful semi-professional with the body of a Greek God and the stamina of an athlete that has no problem taking your wife off into the sunset? Jeepers, Batman, you had better get the facts, and maybe some spyware, too!

According to net surveys, not even half the men having "online affairs" think they're cheating. Fortunately, the women with similar feelings are a somewhat lesser number. It seems many of the divorce situations today (1/3 of them, to be exact) are reportedly caused by online affairs. Go see infidelitycheck.org. Not good news.

My lightening fast mind tells me that you are the more mature one here. So, listen Spyman, Batman, Ratman, Sadman, whatever. You take the high road. Just get yourself some keystroke software and harvest some of those passwords. Then log your little self on to your wife's accounts and insult the he!! out of her friends- make sure to be "little" the men. If "Sheila" gets real foul-mouthed, the chat- room people will kick her out permanently. You must then Carpe' the moment! Rekindle the romance, Lance! Take her out, give her roses, and sign the card, "Hot-Love28".

DEAR CRABBY,

I live in a building with an elevator. I'm constantly having to "fight" my way out when the doors open into the lobby. Why do people rush into the elevator before allowing the occupants to exit first?

Yesterday three kids, a small dog and their mom rushed in. The door shut before I could get out, and they gave me a funny look when I tried to push my way to the front! What is going on anymore?

TRAPPED IN THE ELEVATOR

DEAR TITE,

Actually, I do not think you are uptight. I myself have wanted to 'accidentally' trip over some people or push them back out with me.

There are very few folks teaching manners these days. For some mysterious and closely guarded (by the CIA no doubt) secret reason, many parents don't do it, and the schools now think it is their place to teach ethics, morals, and other things. Only they don't teach manners either.

They do, however, teach 5th graders "Life-skills"-like writing checks. How comforting to know that if we should happen to have a criminally- inclined neighbor or nephew, he will find it easier to commit fraud with my checkbook, because his teacher taught him how to properly write a check. To heck with those stupid parents that think it should be their choice and responsibility to show their own children such things, at the appropriate age. Even if we didn't, the bank would, upon opening your first checking account, show you. Lord knows they don't have time to spend hours laughing at your ignorance in the check-writing dept.

The next time the elevator door is about to open, I suggest you be shining the doors with your stomach (or chest, as the case may be). Being at the front of the elevator, they'll have to run into you just to get in. If they knock you down, scream in pain. If they don't, do the sideways dance until they miss it. Or scream in pain. Either way, they will look bad, you will look a little touched in the head, and they will not do it again. If you work it right, you can sue them for assault.

crabcakes@sitnews.org

 

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