DEAR CRABBY,

After dating Amy for the past 2 and a half months, I'll be meeting her parents next week. I want to be honest with them and tell them I have a baby daughter who's nearly a year old. Amy says this will be such a big problem that her folks will probably stop her from seeing me. She's 16 and I'm 18, and she's worried about that too. I care a lot about her, but don't want to deceive anyone. I need advice on what I should say (or not) to Amy's parents?

BOYFRIEND AND DAD

DEAR B.A.D,

What can you tell her parents....Hmmm... Let's see if we can picture it to help prepare you for your first meeting with them....

"So! You're the young man my daughter speaks so highly of; Nice to meet you. I'm Paul, Amy's dad. And this is Barbara, Amy's mom." "Hi Mr. and Mrs. Whatever. I'm B.A.D. I had sex with a girl two years ago when I was your daughters' age, and got her pregnant. But don't worry, I broke up with her. I don't step out on my women. You can be secure knowing I don't sleep around. Amy's the only girl I'm with right now." "I need a drink. Paul? Paul? NO, Paul! PAUL! Amy, call  911! Get a towel! Apply pressure here! I'm sure it'll be all right-head wounds just bleed a lot, that's all..." OK, OK, I'm sure if they don't find you very smart, they will find you honorable. I bet they won't even mention that you are with a 16-year-old UNDERAGE kid, and what you are DOING with her, especially since she is their baby girl. I can see mom right now, politely excusing herself to jet into the den, dash to the family computer, clicking on the state website (that's Alaska State Dept of Public Safety) to see if you could qualify as a child molester. After all, the day you turn 18, you are no longer classified as a kid. They may have a few other questions for you though, such as: Are you paying for that child? Do you take care of your child? Are you in her life? Can we look in your wallet? Do you fear Paul now and will you respect our daughter enough to keep your tallywacker in your pants?

Gotta tell ya, B.A.D., at your age, if you are paying for your baby, I don't know how you have enough money leftover to date with.... Maybe you could tie a knot in that thing or something....

DEAR CRABBY,

I am 11, and really like this boy in my Sunday school. He's not in my regular school, so I can't find out for sure, but I think he likes me too. I am worried about how to tell my parents I like boys. They act like I am still a little girl. I have thought about this alot, and would like your help in figuring out how to tell them that I am growing up and like boys.

TIFFANY

DEAR TIFFANY,

Of course you like boys. All that making Barbie make out with Ken is what girls do. But real boys are icky. Ask one of their moms how often he brushes his teeth or bathes without the threat of losing his Xbox. When they (and you) get older, they are not so icky.

I have pondered for an entire 17 and a half minutes trying to think of how I can assist in shattering your parents' innocent image of you. Maybe if you dress up like Brittney Spears, and act like a little hoochie girl, they will get it. (Chances are, so will you.) But why say anything at all? If you tell your folks you like boys, you still will not get one. If you tell them you like computers and math, and doing math on computers, you have a shot of getting out of the house again before you need to wear Depends. P.S. So Sunday School is the new place to meet guys?

crabcakes@sitnews.org

 

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