DEAR CRABBY,

I'm engaged to Hank, a wonderful man with whom I'm planning a spring wedding. We both graduate from College, then too. The problem is our families and the arrangements for the big event. They are making it a hard, unpleasant situation instead of a fun and exciting time in our lives.

We have school loans, car loans, and the rings to pay for. We can't afford the kind of wedding our families expect us to have. We are not obsessed with an expensive photographer, videographer, thousands of dollars in flowers, cakes, musicians, etc. Both of our mothers have made it known to us that everyone they know will be coming, and we had simply better plan BIG. Mine gave me a list of 160 guests already. We would like a honeymoon, but if we give in to throwing an extravagant wedding to please our relatives, we won't be able to go on one at all.

We've talked about it, and have come to the conclusion that it isn't necessary for our happiness, and in fact, may be very detrimental to our long-term joy in our new life together. We've decided we want a small, romantic, inexpensive wedding. What do you think?

HANK'S HONEY

DEAR HANK'S HONEY,

As long as Hank isn't skimping on the ring, then by all means, go for it! But I do understand your mothers' feelings. After all, she has dreamed of this for a long time too. Probably many more years than even you have. No doubt she has always pictured myself in a big flowing white gown, with tiny little sparkly beads all over the sheer tulle overlay of the full skirt. Such exquisite lace fingerless gloves that attach by a ring on the middle fingers and go all the way up my arms, a long billowy train on the veil. I love my huge diamond that was brought to us from South America by some college drop out friend of my (soon to be) husbands, so I know it wasn't sold by murderous rebels and mined by some poor armless child in Sierra Leone. No blood diamonds for us! Oooohh.... This natural pearl necklace and matching earrings make me look like a princess! And just imagine all round (NOT long) tables with the white on white tablecloths at our glamorous reception. ....I wonder where those doves go. Maybe they'll come back. I hope they don't poop all over the limousine. Oh, well, it's white. Probably won't show anyway... What a glorious scene. Candles and fresh flower centerpieces... all shades of blue and lavender, with delicate sprigs of baby's breath and the soft breeze blowing the fragrance all throughout the enormous tent (naturally outside in the late afternoon). But not enough breeze to blow out any candles. Or start any fires. Of course, even that would be OK, because nearly everyone in town will be there and the firemen/ guests can't help but watch the small respectful flames out of the corner of their eyes. Oh, Look! Someone put up a little money tree in the back near the gifts, so we can start our lives together worry-free! And thanks to the generosity of our sisters and brothers, we're going on the best honeymoon ever! As long as I, I mean your mother, can remember, the vision of my- our- the-- your wedding has had that beautiful soft music playing, floating through the air, making old feel young again, and young children wish they could dance as romantic when they grow up. The background full of quiet chatter as the guests pour in, so many Oooohh's and Aaahhhs about how I look. And all of those presents!! Where ever shall we put them? I hope the new house our parents bought us will hold them all!! Everyone loves me so much!! >*POP!*<

I mean, um, ahh, uhh, most people would really like to attend your wedding. You can always elope though, and just send announcements.

DEAR CRABBY,

I am 49 years old, and sadly going through my fourth divorce.

All four wives said the same thing, and I am beginning to worry they may be right. They've all said I'm crazy, and have gone too far in my ways.

I am compulsive about cleanliness. I just can't rest if I think there is something that might need to be cleaned. My wives have been offended numerous times because I come home and re-clean rooms they've done already. I know there are surfaces in our home that have not been cleaned well enough so I get up after she's asleep to finish the job. I know the floor can't be clean enough, so I sweep again. I have gotten up and done dishes over, and washed the drapes so they could hang and begin to dry (wrinkle free) at dawn. I could give you many more examples.

I have researched my behavior, and went to see a psychologist. He insinuated I would need expensive therapy until I was old. Then I saw a doctor about it. She casually wrote a prescription and sent me on my way.

Crabby, this has cost me four wives and a life of happiness- please tell me if I'm crazy for liking things clean...

COMET MAN

DEAR COMET MAN,

Come on to my house, my house..... Dating anyone? I'm single and your dream girl. My hobbies are spilling juice on the carpet, leaving toast crumbs on the kitchen counter, putting fingerprints on the walls, and tracking mud into the house.

You must be pretty hot; 49, a neat freak, and not gay? I'll pretend I'm sleeping and you go clean to your hearts content. I'll even 'forget' to put things away. Maybe we could book you for bachelorette parties, as many women would love to see a man clean something. Forget waiting for a special occasion! We'll just sell tickets! You could wear a man apron.

And Crazy? Am I crazy for never wanting to scrub another toilet? Am I crazy for thinking, "Thank goodness, someone else can wear eye protection to vacuum that darned cat!"? You are not crazy. You are the answer to a lot of prayers, baby. I got your therapy right here.

crabcakes@sitnews.org

 

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