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Dear Crabby
by Mrs. Crabcakes - Ketchikan, Alaska

This column is strictly for entertainment purposes only and
is not intended to be taken to heart as serious advice.


October 18, 2004


jpg Crabcakes Ketchikan, AlaskaDEAR CRABBY,

I have been gaining weight steadily for a few years now. My husband doesn't criticize me, but it's obvious that he preferred me thinner. I think he's trying to be supportive, because he doesn't eat chips and dessert in front of me anymore, but I can still smell the popcorn in the house when I get home, and I see the ice cream bar wrappers in the car.

I have been on the Atkins Diet, South Beach Diet, Weight Watchers, taken diet pills, everything. I have made many serious efforts, and I still can't lose much more than a few pounds for any length of time. I'm so tired of it all I'm ready to kill myself. Do you have any advice for me?




Don't kill yourself, when there are so many others we can kill first. I have been compiling a hit list of my own for some time now. I say we mobilize the Lane Bryant League and get to it.

We start with Sara Lee. I'd like to pound her cake. Next we find Betty Crocker and put her head in an oven. Then we hit Little Debbie, The Pillsbury Dough Boy, Wendy, and Ronald Mc Donald. We'll de-throne both the Burger King and Dairy Queen. I want to fry Colonel Sanders and cream both Ben and Jerry. I say we lock Jack in his Box on a permanent basis.

You get the idea. It is not your fault that Victoria's Secret (let's get her too) parades naked toothpicks with legs and lipstick in your face while their commercial sponsors are telling you that you need to be eating this and inhaling that. Not to mention how busy we are now and all the fast foods being so high calorie, high sodium and such. One could say, they have us by the bon bons.

Or, You could always do what Oprah did; become a multi-millionaire and hire a personal trainer at $8,000 a week...


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