DEAR CRABBY,

I have a problem I'm hoping you can help me solve. My wife and I have a running argument about all these TV commercials that last half an hour apiece and go on all night. She's convinced she has to have the products, then she doesn't use them very long before putting them up. We're in debt because of it and I'm considering whether or not to have our TV disconnected. Please, tell her that I'm right; she needs to stop!

(NOT) HAPPY HUSBAND

DEAR NOT HAPPY,

No can do, Cowboy. We are an [underground] organized shopping force to be reckoned with. I cannot turn against my sisters and brothers to help you with your insignificant financial problems. I LOVE my George Foreman Grill, and use my Food Saver constantly! I am very creative with it, and one woman I know (we'll call her "Too Much Time On Her Hands-Mom") does even more than I do! She made little ice packs [w/ blue food color!] and multi-pocket pouches for her kids' lunches with cream cheese, smoked salmon, and those sailor crackers. I myself have made air-channel/ bubble wrap for mailing fragile things, and bizarre refrigerator magnets. We are also the proud owners of rain showerheads, Ionic Breeze air purifiers, new video and digital cameras, double-deck VCR's, Total Gyms, and the Ronco Showtime Rotisserie! That one's more entertaining than trying to ID the stuff flying out of pockets in Laundromat dryers. I line up chairs in front of it, and the kids are mesmerized for an hour to an hour and 15 minutes! Why, all the time I simultaneously bake bread, take a 'jungle' shower, listen to my collection of 70's CD's, and think about working on my abs. Sometimes I set the Rotisserie, then go breathe some ions, make commercial-free VHS tapes and Pro-Activate my face. I too have tried to cut back, but it is too powerful. My solution is to sit and watch the infomercial 20 or so times until you know you need this in your home. Then look out, Baby! It's SHOWTIME- by Ronco!

DEAR CRABBY,

I'm going crazy. Everyone in the world is on cell phones! I ride the bus to and from work each day, as well as have my morning coffee in a small cafe beforehand. Many times I'm quietly reading the paper when I find myself interrupted by the annoying sound of a cell phone going off. It's often for no other reason than someone wanting some mindless chat. I know, because they're always loud, and carry on no matter who's listening. Cell phones go off in restaurants, the movies, public bathrooms, even church! Enough is enough! Help!

SICK OF CELL CRAZE

DEAR SOC CRAZE,

If your preacher didn't post a "Turn Your Phone Off" sign, then maybe he enjoys the little songs they play. As for your mornings, you should approach the manager of your cafe (when he gets off his cell), and ask him about making a "No Phone" section. You might have to wait your turn for the stall, but you should not be bothered by those annoying cell phone users, as the acoustics in there are not condusive to loud conversations. As for the bus, the only solution I can think of is to pretend you are from the city. You can be the one guy on all public transportation that others will give up the entire front half of the bus to avoid! And you won't have to quit bathing to do it! [An added benefit is you get to lie down on several seats at once to nap all the way home.] When someone is on their cell phone, you make your eyes real big and round (NO blinking), get right up in their 'personal space' and say, "C A N   Y O U   H E A R   M E   N O W ?"

crabcakes@sitnews.org

 

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