DEAR CRABBY,

I work with a very big gossip. She is rude, snobby and thinks that life revolves around only those who shop at Nordstroms. She gossips about everyone one in the office: about the way they dress, their personalities and everything else you can think of. She loves to turn people against each other by sitting on both sides of the fence playing the "He said, She said" game. She also gossips about people who don't work in the office. She is very good at playing the victim when she has been caught. I guess what I'm getting at is how do you put someone like this in her place?!! And SHOULD you put them in their place. She has turned innocent people into bullies and put bullies on a pedestal. I don't believe in hypocrisy. What's your take on this?

READER IN REDMOND

DEAR READER,

Glad to see you have time to go online and check us out up here. Heaven knows we don't have any security flaws or operating systems that need fixing or anything. And my stock is still worth only slightly more than half what it was when I bought it, so HOP TO! (I assume you work for Microsoft, right? You ARE in Redmond, after all...)

Advice? Oh, yeah, right. Don't they say you can tell how loved a person is by how many people attend the funeral? Well, sooner or later, she'll see what all that gossiping will get her. Oh, wait, she won't see. Well, maybe you'll get to see. And you will feel vindicated! She will be dead AND unpopular! Unless of course, the Nordstrom reference means she actually comes from money. In which case there should be a good (spiffy and well dressed!) turnout at her funeral; in part because it's a great opportunity to network, and her kind of people use EVERY occasion to make new acquaintances they can use in the future. Also the food will probably be pretty tasty, hence the good turnout (I don't care how rich you are, everyone shows up for good free food!) You can even dress extra tacky and the joke will be on her because she won't be able to talk about you afterwards! Why not organize a group from the office who has had their reputation damaged by her? You can all get together the morning of the funeral and coordinate dressing badly (so as to clash), pass a little booze around, then go to that funeral and show her people just what quality guests a real gossip can attract.

DEAR CRABBY,

There's this guy named Josh at school. I like him incredibly much and am having a real hard time making him even notice me. We have a lot in common, but he doesn't seem to get it. I can't think of anything more than I have already done to get his attention. I sewed his name on the rear of my jeans and painted my nails the shade of green he loves. How else can I show him we were meant to be together?

HOT FOR JOSH

DEAR HOT,

This is Josh: "Dear Diary," (--No, wait, he's a guy!).... "Hey Journal, Dude! That stupid girl at school is still trying to make me look at her. Today she stopped on the way into class, and I almost tripped over her. She bent over right in front of me, and my name was written across her big butt! I can't believe it! I was so tempted to do the big touchdown kick, but mom will kill me if I get into any more trouble. I have a bet with Greg and Dan that I can make her color her hair purple by next week without ever talking to her. Easy 10 bucks. hahahahaha."

So, kid, do you read much? Maybe he's seeing someone else.

crabcakes@sitnews.org

 

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