DEAR CRABBY,

What do you think about our (Ketchikan) Mayor's proposal at the latest council meeting? Because we live on an island, so far away from other competing schools/ sports teams, the city contributes about $600,000 annually to our kids to help in funding the necessary travels for the various sports teams. Our mayor stated that on his daily runs, he has seen quite a bit of litter. He attributed it to everyone, and teens in particular. He then suggested instead of just "granting them the money", the teens be required to organize periodic clean-up operations. I think they already have enough to do, what with homework, school, socializing, after school jobs, and duties at home. To force them to clean our streets in order to go compete in a sporting event that should already be a part of their school life seems unfair.

CONCERNED MOM

DEAR MOM,

OH, SHUUUT UP!! God forbid a group of kids that get to travel all over Southeast Alaska without their parents to play games and have fun should have to help earn it! And did you say necessary travels? You are forcibly taking money from the community for a bunch of jocks that need to travel like I need a free facial every week (I don't. I'm beautiful.) And what of the kids that are in a sport deemed unworthy of more than a half million dollars for travel expenses? Or the poor geeks in the chess club? Or debate team? Are you going to give those nerds any money? They're the ones making Ketchikan School kids look half-way intelligent. Shop class charged $7.50 for materials for seventh graders this year. Why can't the community pay that? If we didn't fund travel, kids wouldn't be expected to PAY for math work books, bring boxes of kleenex, dozens of pencils, paper, money for projects, film (so the teacher can send home a couple of photos a year), etc. YES, they should have to earn it. Why not a litter patrol? We could drive by them and give a 'thumbs up' for encouragement. And the kids that don't get to travel (financially penalized because they're not sports participants?) can drive by and make fun of them. It's not our fault these kids live on an island. That money could be much better spent on another veneer mill, or an even bigger bridge to nowhere!

DEAR CRABBY,

I am married to a wonderful woman. She is beautiful, generous, affectionate and intelligent. The problem is her knowledge. She ends up being right on about most things, and due to the condition of the world today, much of it is negative. Many of our friends are on medications for depression, anxiety, whatever. I think she might benefit from some, or at least some counseling to get her back on a happier path. Her logic is accurate, and it does protect and educate our children, but enough is enough. She needs to lighten up. Any thoughts on how to handle the situation?

CONCERNED HUSBAND

DEAR CONCERNED,

Your wife doesn't sneak around on you, squander the family money on Ebay, have a gambling, drinking or drug problem, abuse you or the kids, beat the dog, or weigh 600 pounds. Her problem is that she is too smart! Wow. What nerve!

Did you know the crime rate gets lower because American cities re-classify crimes (in order to stay attractive to travelers), that 65% of all American adults are overweight (+40% of the kids), that 1 in 3 sexually active people in the US are said to have herpes now, that it is absolutely necessary to tell tiny children about child molesting in order to protect them from it (how many sicko's are out there??)? Are you aware that many states are now changing laws to keep teen drivers alone in the car until they are able to drive with friends and distractions because of so many fatal accidents; that California prisons (other states too) must move inmates to the top of the transplant list FREE (and you can't even get on it w/ out $150,000 cash up front) because delaying a transplant or denying a sex change is now considered cruel and unusual punishment? This woman has to find out how much anti-bacterial soap, energy drinks, Internet chat rooms, toxic mold, dust mites and unfiltered water can really harm her family. She has to learn whether or not her son will become a murderer because he practices on video games, if her daughter will become a slut from emulating Christine and Britney, and if her husbands beer gut really will give him a coronary (fat around the middle- look into it). She's probably up nights wondering if a little 8 year old boy in the Middle East is growing up without ever knowing peace, but has the life dream of coming to America to kill us- for what? Because we aren't like them? Considering all that is going on nowadays, I think your wife (who has to know everything possible to safeguard her family) is pretty amazing for repressing the urge to build the big bomb shelter in the back yard.

Keep loving her, you Big, Dumb Ox. Rent a Romantic Comedy every week. Maybe counseling will help. Get her hypnotized into not caring about her family's well being. Tell me which medication (and dosage) they prescribe. Call in an extra prescription for me. I'm sure she's fine. You never know. Anyone can change. Look at me. I used to be so negative and grouchy.

crabcakes@sitnews.org

 

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