Dear Crabby,

My 16 year old daughter is always complaining about her brother's teeth and bad breath. While it is true his teeth have turned green and his breath smells as bad a rotten humpy, his sister's feet smell even worse. She accuses me of sniffing socks but in her case I don't need to because you can smell her socks several blocks away.

What advice do you have for this poor old mother to get my daughter to change her socks?

Sign me,

NOSEY MOTHER IN KETCHIKAN

Dear Nosey,

So, what you are saying is, your daughter walks through rotting fish, your son eats it, and you go looking for the socks to smell afterward? You people have more problems than I can deal with in this column. I am so glad I don't know your family! Buy them new socks and toothbrushes for all occasions, and consider moving to England or France. I hear they are not big on dental hygiene and deodorant over there.

Dear Crabby,
I am an only child. I have a good life and wonderful parents. They have given me everything I need and tried to teach me how to be a responsible adult. I have had their trust and support in everything I do. I am now pregnant and don't know how to tell them. I am only 16, and want to go to college, but don't see how I can with a baby. An abortion is not an option. What do I do, and how do I tell them? Please give me some advice fast, before I start to show.

SCARED TEEN

Dear Scared,

Why tell them now? You didn't feel like sharing when you were going to MAKE the baby. Get over the fear, dear, you have no choice. I suggest giving your mother about a bottle and a half of her favorite wine, then start crying. She'll join in, even if she doesn't know why yet. Then you drop it on her. Ask for her help in telling your father, as she'll know how and when such an event should take place. Tell the Idiot that got you this way to cough up some bucks for diapers, a crib, stroller, car seat, high chair, play pen, walker, and baby clothes. In case he's thinking of leaving it all to you, tell him your father has an unnatural fondness for his big garden shears. Good luck, kid, you're gonna need it.

crabcakes@sitnews.org

 

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