Dear Crabby,

I have an ex-husband who is a real jerk. We are not quite divorced yet, and he is the only one able to pay for it. I've been left holding most of the bills from the marriage, and can't afford anything right now. He's already retained an attorney, but he's not moving ahead with it. I see him at work every day and I have the feeling this is deliberate on his part. There are no children involved. What can I do to speed things up? He seems to be enjoying it, and I really want it over. I need to move on.

FED UP

Dear Fed up,

Oh my gosh, Dear, I just don't know where to start. Get some credit cards to help you rebuild your credit after paying off his mess. As long as you're still married, you can legally use his income on the application. Call his mother often to trash him, and ask to borrow money. She'll beg him to make it final. Remind him of why you two split; put a raw jumbo shrimp under his car seat. Call up his new girlfriend and ask her about his delay in filing the papers. Likely, she'll be interested enough to mention it to him. Stuff a thong in his glove box. Call and hang up when his girlfriend answers. Order him a personalized license plate that reads: GAY BOY. It will take up to six weeks for him to change it back. A normal man would run from that psycho behavior. If he enjoys the attention, you're on your own. And BTW, I'll be denying having advance knowledge of anything you do. Good luck, Sweetie, I'm on your side!

Dear Crabby,

I am 19 years old and just finished my freshman year at college. I am home for the summer, and have met a guy I am very attracted to. He is not interested in me and has a girlfriend, so there is no hope for a relationship. The thing is, there are guys at school I like too, and everyone but me seems to be in love. What can I do to get a boyfriend?

ALWAYS LONELY

Dear AL,

Oh, Boo-Hoo! Poor little you! At 19, you can't find your true love! I'll bet your parents would be thrilled to know they've saved for years to send you to college, and all you're concerned with is "Why don't these boys like me?" Well, sister, shut up and grow up. Go to school and get an education, so you can support yourself in the event your needy personality keeps you from finding a man to support your sorry behind. There are more important things to worry about, and plenty of time to find the twit that would marry a self-pitying whiney girl like you. Write back. I care.

crabcakes@sitnews.org

 

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