Dear Crabby,

Recently my wife has been coming home late. Her excuses sound kind of phony to me. I think she might be seeing someone. When she gets home she either takes a shower (she says it B.O.) or puts on perfume. She says she's been at the gym, or there's paper work that needs done at the office, and it's quiet there. I'm sure something's going on and decided to write you for advice. Should I confront her? Should I leave her and take the kids? Or leave her and leave the kids? I don't know what to do. I'm confused. Please answer A.S.A.P; I need help.

Sincerely,
Suspicious Mind

Dear Suspicious,

You're confused? Are you high?!? OF COURSE, she's seeing someone!! You just better hope it's a personal trainer. At least all this pain and agony you're going through won't be for nothing! Not that this is a good thing, but normal people won't want to lose their kids. You can use them as leverage to get her to stop. Then she'll come back to you in top shape! If that doesn't work, tell her mother (while crying).

Dear Crabby,

I work in a coffee shop. There is a regular customer that has been coming in for a couple of years now. He likes to sit in my section. He has always behaved properly, but I can tell he really likes me. For the past month, he's been leaving unusually big tips. Somehow, he got my phone number and has called me every night this week. It is getting a little scary. I've tried politely to keep my distance, and turned him down when he asked me out. I don't know what else to do. It seems to be getting worse. My co-workers say he is stalking me. How can I tell and what do I say to him?

FREAKED OUT WAITRESS

Dear Freaked,

There are many ways to tell if you have a real stalker on your hands. Have you ever heard him hum the song, "Every Breath You Take"? Does he have a blow up doll with your picture glued to its face? When you look out the window, is someone looking back? These are all tell-tale signs. Stalkers live in fantasy-based worlds, and have imaginary relationships with real people. You sound real to me. Get a burglar alarm - one that barks loud and bites hard. If that doesn't do it, let a big cop move in with you. (You can always break up with him after he shoots your stalker).

crabcakes@sitnews.org

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