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Dear Crabby
by Mrs. Crabcakes - Ketchikan, Alaska
Thursday - June 03, 2004

This column is strictly for entertainment purposes only and
is not intended to be taken to heart as serious advice.




I want to know something. My girlfriend (Tiffany) is fun and cute, but she makes a big deal out of everything. I don't know if she's really upset half the time, or just acting over-dramatic because she wants to be the star of the show. Everywhere we go Tiffany has to get all the attention. Do you have a way to tell if she is ever going to be normal, or what her problem is? My friends can't stand her and my family thinks she's weird. I'm not sure what's going on.




What you have on your hands is commonly known as the North American "Drama Queen". Take the following quiz. If you can answer 'yes' to 3 or more questions, you may need to seek another girlfriend, or resign yourself to being embarrassed by her on a regular basis.

When there's music playing, does she break into song and dance, even when off-key and out of rhythm?
In aforementioned situations, does she look around as if to say, "I bet you wish you were this cool" (while singing the wrong words)?
Does she seem to think about it before she "bursts" into tears?
When you're talking to her in public, does she get louder in case no one else is listening?
When in the presence of animals, small children, or gay men, does she become frustrated and want to leave immediately?
Does she use little hearts to dot her i's?
Does she play American Idol when she's alone with the karaoke machine?
Does she dress in costume at regular parties?
Do team mascots run from her?
And, finally, is she uninsurable?




My youngest brother, Ken, separated from his wife 2 years ago, and is in the process of a divorce. He moved out and she has the kids at their old house. Their four children and my three are all close, emotionally as well as in age. They have spent school vacations and many weekends together.

Recently, my daughter asked when we're going over to her cousins' house to visit, as they've missed their aunt and the kids in recent months.

I asked my brother if he felt OK with it and he told me he expected more than that from me. He didn't want me or my children to socialize with my sister-in-law or their kids at all. He said I should "be on his side" in this and it was strictly a loyalty issue. I disagreed, but waited.

After that, the kids saw their cousins at the park, and they begged me again to take them over to visit. I phoned Lynette, we talked awhile, and she invited us for dinner. We all had a great time.

The next day my brother called, telling me I'd 'made my choice', and because of it, we were un-invited to his upcoming barbecue, and my children and I were never welcome at his house again. No amount of pleading could change his mind.

My parents have split opinions about the situation. My father agrees with Ken, my mother likes Lynette, and misses their children.

I think because Ken is the youngest, he is used to getting what he wants.

I don't feel I'm disloyal to allow the children to spend time together. Was I wrong?




I'll say you're sorry! A sorry excuse for a grown-up. Whatever happened between Ken and Lynnette should have as little impact on the kids' friendships as possible. Even if Lynnette had 10 affairs and your whole family chooses not to associate with her, you adults are supposed to know better when it comes to the kids. Why should they suffer? Ken has no right to punish them this way. He sounds spoiled rotten and is trying to control you too. Can you say A-b-u-s-i-v-e? If you are old enough to have 3 children, you should be old enough to pick your own friends. Is Ken supporting you or something? Grow a spine and stop helping him (be a jerk). Why don't you just gather up all the kids, send them off to grandmas for the night, rent a movie, then you and Lynette can have a little Margarita party... For extra fun, invite Ken. He'll be thrilled. Tell him to bring dip.

Now that he's no longer associating with you, consider yourself lucky. Ken's absence is one less corn on the foot of your family. In fact, why don't you make a few more play dates for the kids and quit worrying about it? What can he do? Oh, I know, withhold Lynnette's child support...



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