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Dear Crabby
by Mrs. Crabcakes - Ketchikan, Alaska
Friday - April 16, 2004

This column is strictly for entertainment purposes only and
is not intended to be taken to heart as serious advice.




I need help! Tourist season is starting soon, and my parents want to send my younger brother up here to stay with me and work. They know I can get him a job, because I've lived up here for 4 years and have worked at the same place in the summer for 3 years.

The problem is the way he acts. He owns the movie, "Boyz in the Hood" and loves Rap music. He idolizes Eminem, Snoop Dog, Master P and all the rest of the rappers. He wears big baggy jeans and talks like they do. He is a middle class Caucasian kid, and no one up here acts like that anyway. He embarrasses me. When I lived down south, I had friends. They didn't like him, and once they learned he was my brother, they became stand-offish.

I don't want to let my parents down, but I don't want to be responsible for an overgrown, overacting, immature white rapper, either. Please tell me what to say to my folks. I know they expect me to help him out.




Your parents have let us all down. I have a little "rap" for them. You can throw in your own 'shhk, kaa, shhk, shhk, kaa' sounds in the background.

"You people are not real smart. Makin' a boy like that, you did a brain fart. We don't want no more fools here. Got our own, they stay all year. You keep that boy of yours at home, put Tchaikovsky in his headphones."

You get the idea, Sis. Record it and send it south immediately.



I have an older friend that is late to everything. She procrastinates nearly every thing she must do in her life and every decision she has to make, much to her detriment. I know for a fact she has missed flights to Seattle, ferries to Prince of Wales, and numerous doctors and dental appointments, simply because she does not start out early enough. It is exasperating to be her friend, and she makes me late too. What advice do you have to help me change her?




Sounds like I'm going to sell you something, huh? Well, the thing I'm going to sell you on is the idea of not controlling your older friend. Why make yourself miserable? It has taken her a long time to ingrain this habit, so you either love and accept her as is or not.

We are (I mean She is) acutely aware of what a problem procrastination in one's own life is, and that it seems to be a daily and unavoidable struggle. There is a procrastination support group for those of us affected with this affliction. It meets at the Library every Wednesday night, at 7 pm. But don't worry if you seem to be alone. Most of us don't make it there 'til nearly 7:30.




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