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Dear Crabby
by Mrs. Crabcakes - Ketchikan, Alaska
Monday - April 12, 2004

This column is strictly for entertainment purposes only and
is not intended to be taken to heart as serious advice.




I have a business partner who I really like but he smells bad. He has really bad BO and he smokes......what do I do? Our business involves serving the public but I'm afraid when the public gets downwind of him they will be grossed out. Any suggestions?




Put up a suggestion box immediately and encourage everyone coming and going to use it. Tell them "We're having a drawing. The best suggestion wins." (I hope you have some money). Put the following suggestion in there with his name on it: "We do not live in Arizona or California and do not ration water. Showers are free here, take several." Be prepared for some "You're an ugly cow" remarks. (Suggestions won't be all happy notes and love letters).

Wait until he's on the way out and grab him, saying lightheartedly, "WHOAA there, Seabiscuit! I see you didn't get to shower this morning, (making a little 'Whew!' with your nose and fingers motion), and give him a quick spray of some men's cologne. Tell him you'll try to control yourself around him, but it is so good, it may improve public relations if he wears it every day. Tell him it doesn't really mix with the 'natural' smell though, and women LOVE good smelling men (most men are suckers for anything that will attract women. This should concern him, because a gay man would commit suicide before he smelled bad in public). If he doesn't get the hint, smuggle 'cologned' cotton balls into his pockets, and send him an e-card: "Roses Are Yellow, Roses Are Pink, Noses Are Mellow, But Not When You Stink. Please Bathe."

Smoking is icky, but unless he wants to quit, not much you can do there. Get the free 'Cost of Smoking Calculator': 888-842-QUIT (7848). It's great; shows how much it costs you over time to buy smokes- and how to quit. Put it in the suggestion box with his name on it. Add a sticky note calculating how much business you've lost by people offended at his smokers smell.

I have only one other suggestion, and that is taping a car freshener tree to his back! Fortunately, nowadays they come in a lot more scents than pine!




Recently, I was in the hospital for surgery. I was in pain, and quite 'foggy' at the beginning of my recovery time there, but I distinctly remember some things that made it impossible to rest. I had a young woman sharing the room with me, and she seemed 'out of it' from some minor surgery of her own.

The problem was not my roommate- It was her boyfriend, or fiancé or whatever he was. He came in when she did and spent every waking minute there. He took all of the tables for her flowers, his coffee, his magazines, etc. He was on the phone so much, that when I got a call, I never would have known about it, had it not been for the nurses, and even then, only got a message. He was loud, and made more calls with more gory details than my mother did when my aunt was ill (my mother is dramatic, and my aunt has many friends).

I finally got to sleep when he went home to shower. But he returned two hours later, reeking of cheap after shave, and got right back to monopolizing our phone. I'm lucky I got out of there before I died of exhaustion.

Crabby, please tell your readers to consider others when in a hospital setting. We can hear everything through that curtain, and you are not alone. We need quiet recovery time to rest. We are ill, and get nauseous from heavy perfumes. And lastly, the phone is for patient use, not the patients' friends!




I'm thinking to remedy the situation, it might have been smart to TELL A NURSE!! DUUUUH. Going on the assumption you are not one to rock a boat, the following suggestions might also help:

  • Have the nurses direct him to the phone down the hall in the 'family lounge', and when he's gone, tell them he's been loud, crude, hogging the phone and remote control, keeping you awake, drinking all your water and using your bathroom. Besides making himself at home, his cologne is making you sick. Whine a little and try to look more pathetic than you already do.
  • Have someone you know send the roommate a nice 'Get Well' card with a message in it for her boyfriend: "Stay off the D@_n phone, you moron. It is not here for you. Be quiet. The patients need sleep".
    Place a small sticker on the phone stating that a $5.00 charge for each call made will be billed to the patient, and is not covered by insurance. Feign ignorance when asked about it.
  • LASTLY: Have a friend call the room, and when her boyfriend answers it, have your friend threaten to put the boyfriend in the hospital with his fiancé if he doesn't stay off the phone and be quiet.



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