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Dear Crabby
by Mrs. Crabcakes - Ketchikan, Alaska
Thursday - April 08, 2004

This column is strictly for entertainment purposes only and
is not intended to be taken to heart as serious advice.




I wanted to let you and all your readers know April is National Child Abuse Awareness and Prevention Month. We are hoping, that for this month at least, everyone will pay attention to the serious problem in our country of neglected and abused children. Many factors contribute to this situation, including young motherhood, lack of education or family support, alcohol and drug abuse by parents.

Thank you.




Thank you for the info.

This raises a question in my mind however. I know that Congress declared this month to be the "National Child Abuse Awareness and Prevention Month". So what are the other 11 months? Open Season?
This reminds me of when I was on jury duty in January. There was a huge white banner on the wall in the 'Potential' Juror's "Hang Out" Room, declaring "Jury Appreciation Week". It warmed the cockles of my heart. Week, after week, for 5 weeks... My cockles grew cold and I became disillusioned.

I think I'm going to declare this "National Get Off Your Butt And Make A Long-Term Commitment To Something Important" Month. Hmmm....



I have a problem I hope you can help me with. I think I am going through menopause. I have hot flashes, cry easily, and my husband of 36 years can provide no comfort. In fact, I wish he weren't around as much right now. Lately I feel like crushing his Viagra. My doctor doesn't seem concerned; he said it is common, and this is the natural process. My sister said Oprah had a show about it some months back, but I missed it so that doesn't help either. Please tell me how to cope to give me some peace about it. Thank you.




I feel for you, baby. I know, it is hard. I remember when I was young; a friend of mine's mother had a personal visit from the Secret Service. Turns out, in a 'Meno-moment', she had threatened the President's life. I won't say which President, but suffice it to say she would have had to make some serious crank calls, because there was no Internet back then. We were kids and thought it was funny. Now I know better. OK, it's still funny, but now I feel for her too.

Unless you are in top physical shape and eat a very healthy diet, consisting mainly of brain food like omega fatty 3 acids and veggies, you may experience varying levels of any or all of the following:

  • The urge to slap people for misbehaving, even though it may have nothing to do with you and your situation.
  • The urge to slap people for nothing, or just because they look a little too smug.
  • Your lifelong love and soul mate may suddenly irritate the living daylights out of you- the exact same feeling as during those few minutes of giving birth.
  • You have a secret and desperate need - Jonesing, if you will, for chocolate, cigars, sugar, or other things you know in your heart can only lead to regret.
  • You like to cry lately, and wish you could do it often, without someone interrupting / catching you (which makes it impossible to enjoy, because they are always asking, " What's wrong?" and trying to 'help' you stop).
  • Your hair falls out in a sneaky sort of way, so you aren't really sure it's happening until too late, and never in time to catch How much it's happening, and counter it. Then you have to buy hair vitamins.
  • At the same time, you find an inch long hair on your chin, that you realize is your first bonefide whisker. It's just not hard yet, because this is the first time you've plucked it.
  • You search for more and find the tiny hairs asserting themselves, and sometimes changing color for the darker.
  • You get stuck with several boxes of feminine products because you just hit the sales, and now your body is playing the practical joke on you that says you no longer need these expensive products. And it's not like you can sell them on Ebay, or donate them to the Salvation Army.

There are many more subtle symptoms, and while most are not horrible or life altering, they can be distressing. Your doctor blows it off because he's a guy and it doesn't affect him. When it did, he bought that hot little car. Your husband tries to be patient, but in order to really help, he needs to go back in time and deal with the children when they were babies, and let you sleep. I know it doesn't make sense, but neither does your resentment of him and life in general right now. The hardest thing: eat correctly and exercise often and profoundly. The easiest thing: eat massive chocolate and hide until you feel better. This too, shall pass.




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