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Dear Crabby
by Mrs. Crabcakes - Ketchikan, Alaska
Friday - April 02, 2004

This column is strictly for entertainment purposes only and
is not intended to be taken to heart as serious advice.




My best friend is male. We've been close for nearly 5 years, went through high school together, and realized a long time ago that we were not meant to be romantically involved with each other. Sometimes we even double date.

My parents love Glen, and he's at our house all the time. He calls them 'Mom and 'Pop', and I'm sure they think someday we'll end up getting married. The thing is, Glen is in love with Cindy, and they're engaged. They plan to be married in June. I think she's great, and we've been having fun helping her mom organize for the wedding.

What I'm writing you for, is that Glen asked me to be his best man. At first I said 'yes', even though my boyfriend thinks I'm weird for it. But now, I'm thinking I shouldn't, because my dad will be upset and I'm afraid of embarrassing him. He once asked me if I was gay because he thinks Glen is so great and he doesn't understand our friendship. My mom is pretty traditional too.

I called the place Glen will be getting his tuxedo from, and they said that anything goes nowadays, and that there have been other female "best men". Depending on the wedding colors, they might even be able to get one fitted for me, instead of a man's, with the waist too big, and the hips too tight.

Everyone involved in the wedding (Cindy, Glen's mom, etc.) has no problem with the situation. I'm sure my parents will refuse to attend when they find out. I'd like to show them a letter from you or someone in authority that says this is all right. Thanks.




Mainly, they are worried that everyone will think they are parents of a big 'ol gay girl. So when you tell them, have your boyfriend at your side and your hands in each other's back pockets. Wiggle and giggle a little as you speak. Promise them you two will get caught making out in the coatroom at the wedding, and that you will shoot Glen's bride some nasty jealous looks during the ceremony. That should do it.
P.S. If you have short hair, pile on the make up and stuff your bra.



My husband and I have been together for 13 years. We got married when our children were 1 and 3. Before then, and in the past 9 years since, I've never been treated nicely by my mother in law. "Sherry" has always been cold and dismissive towards me, and a couple of days ago, she really crossed the line.

I was in the bathroom when I heard voices. She had let herself in and brought a bunch of women from her bible group with her. I heard her giving them the 'grand tour' of "her baby's new house". I was livid. I bit my tongue and came out smiling however, to keep the peace.

I know if my pre-teenaged children were there, those ladies would have heard screaming to make their hair curl. We do not walk into the kids' rooms without knocking, and she and 6 strangers were touching everything as if at a yard sale. I can't express how violated I felt.

Surely there must be a way of letting her know her place in our home without causing a scene that would create a rift in my marriage.




Why don't you come over here so I can wipe my feet on you? E- GADS, woman, you think you can stop her NOW? AFTER 13 YEARS? She'll just throw herself into bed and tell the whole family you are trying to kill her, because everyone knows she has a bad heart! Oh, wait, that's what happened to me.... Like she didn't watch her blood pressure like a hawk and go for a walk every night. I should have thought of the bed thing, but I wasn't as believable, because I was only 35 and didn't think of griping 24 hours a day that my heart hurt (even though the whole family knew her check- ups were so good they made her kids look like they had the health problems of drug-addicted, alcoholic, chain- smoking, circus- freak fat people). My own husband didn't believe the things she said to me until I quietly put the phone up to his ear that time...

Oh yeah, you. Duhhh, did you ever think her son should say something to her? If he's chicken, tell the kids what she did, and tell them when no one is around, they can share their true feelings with Grandma (as long as they're polite-- ooops! Oxymoron situation!)

Get real. You are going to have to set booby traps to stop her. Better yet, next time, walk out naked. One last piece of advice: Never, Never, Never offer her anything to eat or drink. Besides the criticism, she'll tell the whole family you can't cook and made her ill. Oh yeah, that was me too!



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