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Dear Crabby
by Mrs. Crabcakes - Ketchikan, Alaska
Tuesday - February 24, 2004

This column is strictly for entertainment purposes only and
is not intended to be taken to heart as serious advice.




I'm 16 and I weigh 45 pounds more than I'm supposed to. I have been exercising and trying to lose weight for over a year. It's not easy because I don't have anyone to work out with or walk with.

There's always junk food at home and my family always asks if I want some of whatever they are eating too. I am weak-willed and getting tired of trying. Do you know anything to say to help me?




Not really, Sweetie. I'm presently having cocoa and thinking about walking - right into the kitchen to make some Rice Crispy Squares.

Let's face it, you will lose weight when you want to lose weight. You don't need someone to work out with. You have known how to walk by yourself since you were too short to climb up onto the couch.

(.......Hmmm... junk food.... maybe I should have some nachos and make the squares tomorrow. Oh yeah, something to help... I could say her pants make her butt look fat... or her butt makes her pants look bad. Oh! I know!.........)

You'll all be dead in 90 years, and it won't matter anyway.



This is so ridiculous that I almost feel stupid writing to you. My mother got very ill three years back, and since we were the only family she had living in the same state, my husband and I asked her to move in with us. She's recovered nicely, and hasn't been any trouble. The kids are in college, so the house is not overcrowded or anything like that.

For the past 2 years, reality shows have dominated TV. Which led to my mother dominating our TV. We put a 19" in her room for her, but she "needs" to see it on my husbands big 52"screen. You'd think the problem is with the two of them butting heads, but Nnooooo. Now, HE'S into them too! It's so loud, disgusting, and time consuming that I just want to leave and find someone normal to spend time with! They get out the popcorn, put up their big feet, and start cheering for their favorite contestants! I also have a sneaking suspicion they are betting on the outcomes. We used talk and play cards or watch sitcoms, news, and movies together. Now it's them and stupid people. Help me Crabby!




Pay attention class, this is it in a one-time Reality Show Lesson.

Trista's wedding dress was worth looking at. Nothing else mattered. We don't know these people. We don't want to know these people.

Survivor- BOR-ING. Exotic location. Bugs. Someone is mean. Someone is stupid. Someone is loose. Physical challenges. Crying.

The Apprentice. Haven't we seen enough of Donald Trump? The ironic thing is, with his money, he could get a facelift, or some kind of plastic surgery, do something with that hair, fix his teeth, etc. and yet, with his money, no one has the guts to tell him. Donald, you're fired.

Fear Factor. How much gross stuff (horse's anus?) do we have to see someone eat before we stop? Each show: Crawly things all over your body, scary tricks to perform, disgusting things to eat. Slime. Crying.

Surreal Life. Recipe: 1 of each: adult 'child actor'. Ex-Rocker. Middle aged actor from the 70's. Rapper. Religious person (Last time MC Hammer was both). 1 ex-model. One 15-minutes-of-fame-person from some other past 'reality' show. 1 Ex- sex or drug addict or alcoholic & Do Not Forget to provide temptation. Stir pot. Crying.

Average Joe. They wish. Their own moms feel bad for these guys.

Elimidate: Who will put out? Get rid of the other 3. Sick.

The 5th Wheel. Ick. Alcohol and sex. And egos. More sick.

Extreme Dating. Must have cost 20 cents to make. Also sick.

My big Fat Obnoxnious Fiance', Cupid, Littlest Groom, Family, Extreme Makeover and all the rest are also freak shows or twisted competitions designed to humiliate the contestants for our entertainment. None worth the electricity it costs to watch them.

This is our "Reality" Television? I don't know whose reality they're living in, but thankfully it's not mine. Remember, your brain is more active while sleeping than while watching most TV.

My advice: Go back to school. You'll need to make ALOT of money because soon, you'll have to support yourself and 2 adults with the IQ of 2 year olds.




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