DEAR CRABBY,

Ever since I can remember, I've been a perfectionist. I've set high goals, but not been able to reach any of them. I should be able to get all A's, have a good figure, and be beautiful. So far, I still get B's, need to lose another 10 pounds, and have some zits I can't get rid of. All this happens no matter what I do.

When I look in the mirror, I cringe. Nothing looks right. I want to have a happy life, with nice friends, good family, in a home I love and decorated myself. But the fact is, I have no patience with my family, and whenever I'm getting close to having a meaningful relationship with a man, I get hypercritical and ruin any chances I have with him.

I've been told I need to be satisfied with who I am or I'll never be happy with anything in life. How do I change how I think and feel?

UNHAPPY PERFECTIONIST

DEAR UP,

First, you start eating again. A little at a time, you can do it.

So your mentor is Martha. Can you show me how to make designer lamp shades out of recycled bird cage newsprint?

Don't be so down on yourself! There are many attainable goals you can set and achieve! I'll help you! You can learn to write with your feet. This will come in handy should you ever get into a horrible digit-mangling industrial accident. You can learn to vegetarian cook low-fat, low-carb, low-cal, low-sodium, low-cholesterol, low-sugar, no dairy meals in case you marry someone who is allergic to everything. You can learn CPR and the Heimlich Maneuver so you can be the Hero the next time some unfortunate soul embarasses themselves by choking in public. Or take up entomology, because everyone loves the gal that is fearless in the face of spiders, insects and other crawly things.

Look on the bright side. With any luck, you may not have to change a thing. There appears to be an opening soon at a large corporation, as the CEO is rumored to be going on an extended "vacation"....

DEAR CRABBY,

I retired almost a year ago, and I wish I hadn't. I feel like a captive in my own home. Every time I want to do anything I enjoy, like go to an auto parts store, tinker in the garage, or go to a ball game, my wife tells me I'm thoughtless and self-centered.

I am constantly forced to accompany her on trips to the mall, the post office, even her doctors appointments. None of this makes sense to me because we have two vehicles, and we both drive fine.

We are nearly 70, and I don't want to live out my golden years like this. Am I really being selfish to want some time to myself?

FEELS LIKE I'M BEING SMOTHERED

DEAR FLIBS,

Maybe she feels you've had enough time to yourself, and wants to show off her "old man" to her girlfriends by making you go out with her. Maybe she's trying to drive you insane so she can have you committed and continue to spend all your money and take that trip to the Italian Riviera with Renaldo the Pool Boy.

Why don't you turn the tables on her and follow her around deliberately? First, you run out and buy matching Hawaiian tacky tourist shirts. Then you tell her 40 times a day how much you love her. Follow her all over the house, including to the bathroom. Hug her a lot, and lean on her annoyingly, especially when she's cooking or using the computer mouse. Spontaneously rub her back, like when she's writing a check, or applying lipstick or mascara. You just keep reassuring her that you're not going anywhere, and you'll be together for a long, long time.

I'm sure it won't be long before she'll get over this obsession of hers and start sneaking out to have a little of her own "alone time".

crabcakes@sitnews.org

 

Post a Comment         View Comments
Submit an Opinion - Letter