DEAR CRABBY,

I have a cousin, "Sally", who is planning a June wedding. Her dad's new wife told her she can't have the girls she wants in her wedding party because they're not all virgins. I never heard of that and told Sally so. Please tell me this isn't some real tradition that we didn't know about. All of Sally's bridesmaids (and me) are either married or divorced, but none are virgins. Please tell us her stepmom is wrong.

MAID OF HONOR?

DEAR MOH,

Can you say, "Wicked Stepmother?" Is Sally asking Daddy to spend the family fortune on the wedding, or is it just a little female rivalry? I find it hard to believe it's an ignorant, I mean innocent mistake. It's not like you are organizing a volcano sacrifice or something.

I knew a 55-year-old woman that was a matron of honor once, and as far as I know, you can have anyone you want in your wedding party, including a 95-year-old drag queen. Not that you'd want any kind of drag queen as part of your wedding. You know how competitive they can be! After all, it is supposed to be the bride's day, and as that Camilla Parker Bowles proved, some people will help you pick out a dress that they know is ugly and makes you look bad, because they are harboring secret resentful feelings towards you and think they should be the bride and actual center of attention, not you. Some drag queens are like that. Not to say that Camilla Parker Bowles is in reality a drag queen, but she is kind of ugly, and I always wondered if she wasn't a guy, and thus the apparent lack of interest in Princess Diana (when she was alive, not now) and recently more 'gay' rumors about Prince Charles, aka Dumbo ears.

Oh, right. Ignore Sally's Stepmother.

DEAR CRABBY,

For the past five years, I've been seeing the father of my three-year-old son. "John" is sweet and generous, and I love him deeply. He's nearly divorced from his wife, needing only to sign the papers to finalize things and make it legal. Then we can be married.

The problem is the papers still haven't been signed. John says his kids will feel abandoned, and that if he leaves her, his wife will take everything he's worked so hard for. I know he loves me and that they really want the divorce. I don't get why he is still putting it off.

I have everything I want in a father for my baby and a partner for me, except a ring on my finger. Do you think I should continue to be patient, or is this all for nothing?

DEIDRA IN PORTLAND

DEAR DIP,

Tell me a new story! I am so bored! Either your braids are too tight, or you are using the wrong kind of mushrooms in your spaghetti sauce! You are truly delusional. One thing I have learned about men (and women too, for that matter), is even the most spineless wimps cannot be forced to do something they don't want to do. I suggest you use some of your 'anytime' minutes and see if his wife even knows about the papers they 'need' to sign. Meanwhile, wake up, grow up, give up or throw up. But make a decision. That baby needs a mom, not a moron.

crabcakes@sitnews.org

 

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