Here's what's sure to come
by Steve Brewer
Scripps Howard News Service
December 30, 2004
As we near the end of another weird and wacky year, many pundits,
astrologers and psychics will spew predictions for 2005.
These forecasts of world events
and celebrity surprises usually are accompanied by giant headlines
such as: "Polar Ice Caps Melting, World to Drown" or
"Three-Headed Aliens to Visit Earth" or "Ben Affleck
to Wed Parakeet" or "Michael Jackson Invites Three-Headed
Alien Children to Spend the Night at Neverland Ranch."
These stories are amusing
but offer little actual help in preparing for the year to come.
What follows are common-sense predictions for 2005, based on
mathematical probabilities and Murphy's Law rather than on the
spouting of some fortuneteller.
- During the course of the year,
several individual socks will vanish from your home without explanation.
- At some point during 2005,
your car will make a "funny" noise. You'll try to ignore
it but eventually will take the vehicle to a garage. The car
will then refuse to make the noise for the mechanic. As soon
as you drive away, the noise will resume.
- A phone call from a telemarketer
and/or a wrong number will come at a crucial time, causing you
to miss something vitally important, such as a touchdown on TV.
- If you have a dog or cat,
it will eat the wrong item (i.e., important homework) and will
yark it up on the carpet.
- No matter how nice the climate
where you live, the weather will at some point take a turn so
puzzling and abrupt that you will secretly wonder whether it's
a sign of the Apocalypse.
- Someone will give you a gift
you could never, ever use.
- At work, there will be ups
and downs in 2005. The ups will always feel temporary. You'll
weather the downs by telling yourself, "Ah, well, it beats
flipping burgers." (If you flip burgers for a living, this
item does not apply to you.)
- The batteries in your smoke
alarm will die, causing the alarm to emit intermittent shrieks.
This will happen during the dead of night; we guarantee it.
- Sometime in 2005, you'll eat
something that "disagrees" with you. This disagreement
will escalate into a full-scale argument, one that you will lose.
By the next day, you'll feel better.
- At your house, you will experience
at least one "plumbing emergency" during the year.
You will try to fix the noise/leak/flood yourself, making it
- If you are a parent, there
will come a time during the year when your child will do something
so inexplicably weird that you'll question why you ever had kids.
Also, you'll catch yourself saying something that sounds just
like your own parents, and this will make you momentarily miserable.
- Your computer will gobble
up at least one important document. Also, you'll waste too much
time playing games on the computer. The two may be related.
- Friends, neighbors and co-workers
will try to guilt you into helping their children's fund-raising
activities by buying "band candy."
- At some point in 2005, you'll
hear or read about a waste of your taxpayer dollars that's so
phenomenal and idiotic, it will give you apoplexy.
- You will worry about your
- You will say something you
- You will spend money on things
you don't really need, such as band candy.
Now that you know what's coming,
you can brace yourself for a year full of annoyances, surprises
and disappointments. Try to approach 2005 with a positive attitude,
and don't let the negatives bring you down.
Remember: There's always next
Redding, Calif., author
Steve Brewer's latest book is called "Boost."
Contact him at ABQBrewer(at)aol.com
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