May 08, 2008
Thursday

Al Gore today said his irresponsible lies blaming global warming for every catastrophe to occur on Earth in the past few years were themselves a consequence of global warming, and warned that if we don't want more people like him mouthing off, we had better cut back soon on carbon emissions.

"The warming has fried my brain," Gore said, adding that he had totally lost control of his tongue, which wags mendaciously at every opportunity.

"Why, not so long ago, I was arguing in my Oscar-winning movie that we would have oceans rising 20 feet within the very near future, only I failed to explain what I meant by 'very near future.' I meant within a couple of thousand years. I should have modified the phrase better.

"That," he said, with a smile and a shrug of the shoulders, "is more or less typical of what's been happening, although I didn't exactly blame Hurricane Katrina on global warming.

"I noted there had always been and always would be hurricanes and that their frequency depends on lots of things, but then, you know, I added how warm oceans make hurricanes stronger and what not, and if you didn't get the impression I meant global warming was behind Katrina, I missed my bet.

"I made a similar point but was still a little less careful when I was interviewed on public radio the other day," he said. He shook his head, and glanced downward, the smile now gone from his face.

"I was talking about the cyclone in Myanmar, and then I tied it in with a storm that hit Bangladesh last fall and a cyclone that ravaged China the year before that, and then I said, 'We're seeing consequences that scientists have long predicted might be associated with continued global warming'."

"Now, of course, I left myself a way out. I did use the word 'might.' But if you look carefully at that sentence, the impact on an audience is, "Watch out, run for it, global warming is causing calamities, just as science said it would.' The more responsible thing would have been to make it clear we cannot possibly say as much. I left myself wide open for the critics who have pointed out how certain scientists said last year that the hurricane season would be about as fierce as fierce gets, and then had to find excuses when the season was more mild than wild.

"But listen," he said, his eyes narrowing and a look of sincere smugness crossing his face, "none of this means I am wrong on the big issue, which is that greenhouse gases are causing everything to become unbelievably hot. Our only hope is to cut back on energy usage per capita to a level about like we had a couple of centuries ago. If we don't do this, at some tiny sacrifice in the way of giving up most of what we call modernity and some millions starving here and there, you will have more people like me. You will have people whose brains have been cooked and whose capacity for a realistic, honest sense of balance has been utterly destroyed.

"You will have people refusing to admit that what's actually happening doesn't fit their assumptions and engaging in ad hominem attacks on any scientist with differing explanations from their own. You will have people predicting sweeping illnesses, famine and more and calling for solutions that will give us sweeping illnesses, famine and more, much as ethanol is now causing hunger in the world. So get with it, do you hear me? Good heavens, get with it!"

Here my report ends, and with it a confession for anyone who didn't catch on: I made up the Gore confession. His global alarmism made me do it.

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