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About those warranty guarantees
Scripps Howard News Service


May 08, 2007
Tuesday AM

Thank you for buying your new Appliance or Other Product from Nameless Store That Sells Appliances and Other Products! We're sure your life will be much improved by this purchase.

This product comes with full warranties from its manufacturer, and that should be good enough, but you never know. We're not saying it's going to break or anything, but you might want an Extended Warranty from Nameless Store. Just in case.

For only (a shockingly high sum of money) per year, our Extended Warranty protects your Appliance or Other Product against all malfunction, damage or negligence. If it breaks, we'll fix it.


The following restrictions apply:

You must bring your Appliance or Other Product to us for repair. We can't be driving all over the state, picking up appliances and other products all day. We've got a Nameless Store to run here! Ha-ha! But no, really, you'd better rent a truck.

This contract does not cover the costs of labor or parts, beyond certain levels to be determined later by Nameless Store. Haul it in here. Then we'll tell you what it'll really cost.

When we say "fix it," we mean we'll try to fix it. Some things can't be repaired. Throw your plugged-in Appliance or Other Product into the shower (not that we'd ever recommend that!), and we probably can't bring it back to life. Or you, either.

Our repairs follow a certain protocol:

You wait your turn. Yes, you do. We'll get to you between 8 a.m. and 4 p.m. on Tuesday. Or is that a week from Tuesday? I forget.

Your Appliance or Other Product is examined in our Triage Center by an experienced technician named Earl, who's had the same toothpick in the corner of his mouth for 23 years. Earl will shake his head and pronounce the Appliance or Other Product "fried."

Sighing and shrugging, he'll pass it on to Level Two of our Extended Warranty Service Center, where qualified technician Doyle will drink coffee and talk about fishing while his apprentice Skippy screws around with the insides of your Appliance or Other Product, making the problem much, much worse.

A period of four to six weeks will pass. During this period, we will forget you ever existed. Guaranteed!

Eventually, you'll call and complain. This will snap us to attention, and your Appliance or Other Product will be located and transferred to Level Three, which is over there in the corner with those other losers.

Another period passes. Usually only two to three weeks this time. We'll await your call.

Once you simmer down a little, sir, we will repair your Appliance or Other Product. Or we will sell you another piece of junk with its own Extended Warranty.

Your repaired/replacement Appliance or Other Product will be delivered to your home and installed by Certified Installation Team members Itchy Bob and Ralph the Recent Parolee.

We guarantee that this repaired/replaced Appliance or Other Product will then work for a short time. Hopefully, for the life of this Agreement. We'll see.

If the Appliance or Other Product continues to give you trouble, you should contact us immediately, and we'll send Earl over to look at it.


Escape clause: Nameless Store is not responsible for anything, ever. Not your broken whatsit. Not for any injury or illness that might result from its use or misuse. Nor small fires, nor anything like that. Nada. We didn't do it. You can't prove it. Don't even think about suing us. Ralph the Recent Parolee remembers where you live.



Redding, Calif., author Steve Brewer's latest book is called "Monkey Man."
Contact him at ABQBrewer(at)
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Scripps Howard News Service,

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