By MIKE HARDEN
Scripps Howard News Service
April 27, 2005
When the TV meteorologist is calling for a 90 percent chance of sun, you need an excuse for hooky that is 100 percent convincing.
You could try the old wastebasket-and-Kleenex trick: Stuff the ends of a tissue in each nostril and place a metal wastebasket over your head before calling in to work. It's convincing when the lie you are about to tell suggests a sinus infection.
When possible, go for an ailment that affects a part of the body usually clothed at work and about which your superior is unlikely to press for details. Irritable-bowel syndrome is always good because no one wants to hear the particulars.
Mumble a lot when your boss is on the line, occasionally dropping phrases such as "flesh-eating virus," "haz-mat suits" and "could spread to the brain."
If pressed for details, blurt: "Oh, no, the light is starting to fade. Grandma, is that you?"
If all that fails, try one these handy-dandy excuses:
- "What do you mean, today isn't Saturday?"
- "There's a SWAT team on my front porch."
- "My agoraphobia has flared up."
- "But I thought Arbor Day was a major holiday."
- "I have a nasty paper cut on my typing finger."
- "The only thing I have clean is my cheerleading outfit from high school."
- "The emergency room had to remove a suppository from my ear, but at least I know where I put my hearing aid."
- "I can't find the aluminum-foil beanie I wear to block alien radio transmissions."
- "I didn't know my cat fell asleep on the snooze-alarm button."
- "My only clean dress makes my butt look big."
- "I'm out of Xanax."
- "I'm at the drugstore. My arm is caught in the blood-pressure machine."
- "I'm clueless."
- "My electricity is out; my garage-door remote won't work, so my car is stuck in the garage."
- "I'm having a brown-acid flashback."
- "My Barbie is sick, and Ken can't watch her."
- "My cat died. The visitation is today."
- "I have poison ivy where the sun don't shine."
- "I'm calling in tired."
- "I'm waiting on the Publishers Clearing House van to arrive. The letter said I may already be a winner."
- "My get-up-and-go did."
- "I can't find my left sock."
- "My kids are sick, and my spouse's job is more important than mine."
- "Lately I've been bothered by a sense of ennui."
- "My horoscope says co-workers are out to get me."
- "I feel like I've been dragged through a sick cow backwards."
- "I've used up all my sick days. I'm calling in dead."
- "My brother's wearing our suit today for a job interview."
- "I feel so good, I can't come into work today."
- "My spastic colon just registered on the Richter scale."
- "My lucky thong is at the dry cleaners."