 By Mark Patinkin The Providence Journal
March 27, 2005
Here are a few of his translations: What he says: That one looks great on you. What he means: Pick any lousy dress and let's go home. What he says: That's interesting, dear. What he means: Are you still talking? And my favorite: What he says: Yes, it makes you look fat. What he means: I am incredibly, unbelievably stupid and I want the next four days to be a living nightmare. I decided to come up with a few of my own to add to the list: What he says: Do we have any ketchup? What he means: Could you retrieve it so I don't have to get up? What he says: How's it going up there? What he means: We're an hour late, and "the transformation" can't possibly take this long. What he says: I'll load the luggage, the bags are really heavy. What he means: And you thought labor pains were bad. What he says: What should I wear? What he means: Tell me now so I won't be sent back to change. What he says: I've got to get something at the drugstore. What he means: I'll be back as soon as the dishwasher is unloaded. What he says: Can I just see that for one second? What he means: And I won't be giving up the remote until they pry my fingers from around it. What he says: I wouldn't change anything; I mean, maybe the lipstick could be lighter, but it's fine. What he means: Your lipstick makes you look like Elvira; throw it out immediately. What he says: I know you're busy, so I'll let you go. What he means: Can I please get off the phone? What he says: Your hair looks terrific that way. What he means: Much better than how you usually wear it. What he says: Arm's fine, just a little sore from tennis. What he means: Don't you want to hear details about my most heroic shots? What he says: Relax, I'll clean up dinner. What he means: Interested in sex? What he says: You mean this exit right here? What he means: Believe it or not, I know how to get there without being told. What he says: It tastes great, though nothing touches your spaghetti sauce. What he means: Please don't ever make this dish again. What he says: I just bagged up the garbage. What he means: Even for the smallest things, I need an enormous amount of credit. What he says: You're not the ugliest woman I've ever had dinner with. What he means: I love you, but the L-word can be tough to say.
Distributed by Scripps Howard News Service, http://www.shns.com
|