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The latest list of torturous twang titles
by Mike Harden
Scripps Howard News Service


January 24, 2005

When I compiled my first edition of "The Worst Country Music Song Titles of All Time (Until the Next Time)," children now mailing out college applications had not yet been born. I'm not sure if that amazes me or frightens me.

A few years ago, during a particularly fallow stretch in Music City, I feared I might have to give up the list altogether. But Nashville bounced back, as I learned while perusing the country and bluegrass collections at Barnes & Noble and Bluegrass Musicians Supply.

Before checking the list, dear readers, consider the 10 songs inducted this year into the Worst Country Song Title Hall of Fame. The 10 join such hallowed standards as "Has Your Lawyer Talked to Jesus?" and "My Wife Thinks You're Dead."

The inductees include: "Don't Call Me Your Only Sunshine," "My Wife Left Me for My Girlfriend," "The Last Word in Lonesome Is Me," "We Never Killed Each Other (But Didn't We Try?)," "The Only Thing That Looks Good on Me Is You," "Venom Wearin' Denim," "Is It Cold in Here or Is It You?," "I Left Something Turned on at Home," "They Always Look Better When They're Leavin'," and "Tell Ol' 'I Ain't Here' He'd Better Get on Home."

Now, for my 2005 list of the worst:

"Life's Too Short to Love This Fast"

"God Must Have Spent a Little More Time on You"

"There's More to Me Than You"

"When the Devil Wants to Wrestle"

"I Just Don't Look Good Naked Anymore"

"We Can't Unmake Love"

"All Hat, No Cattle"

"The Dogs, They Really Miss You"

"You Can't Take the Honky Tonk Out of the Girl"

"Goin' Under Gettin' over You"

"Mama Don't Dress up for Nothing"

"Texas Women Don't Stay Lonely Long"

"Two Rons Don't Make It Right"

"Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy)"

"Joyce Is My Choice"

"Rural Philharmonic"

"Don't Waste Your Heart"

"I'm Gonna Strangle You, Shorty"

"My Wildest Dreams Grow Wilder Every Day"

"Up to My Ears in Tears"

"If French Fries Were Fat Free"

"Flies on the Butter (You Can't Go Home Again)"

"If I Was Jesus"

"Sawdust on Her Halo"

"She Don't Need a Band to Dance"

"Where'd You Hide the Body?"

"Do You Still Want To Buy Me that Drink?"

"I'm Not Trying To Forget You Anymore"

"Drugs or Jesus"

"Open Season on My Heart"

"Do You Want French Fries with That?"

"Nothin' a Little Love Won't Cure"

"When Good Ol' Boys Go Bad"

"Honk if You Honky Tonk"

"Jesus Was a Country Boy"

"Turn It on, Turn It up, Turn Me Loose"

"All the Guys That Turn Me on Turn Me Down"

"Going to Hell in Your Heavenly Arms"

"High Cost of Low Living"

"I Don't Do Floors"

"Whiskey Before Breakfast"

"Hot Tubs of Tears"

"Albuquerque Turkey"

"I've Been Everywhere but Crazy"

"I'm Changin' the Words to My Love Song"

"Running Hard on a Broken Heart"

"Carolyn at the Broken Wheel Inn"

"Bitter They Are, Harder They Fall"

"Tell Her Lies and Feed Her Candy"

"Testosterone Poisoning"

"You're Wearing Out Your Welcome, Matt"



Mike Harden is a columnist at the Columbus (Ohio) Dispatch. E-mail mharden(at)
Distributed by Scripps Howard News Service


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