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Fish Or Cut Bait

Weighty Questions
by Bob Ciminel

October 13, 2005
Thursday PM

Do you start out with negative calories if you walk up eight flights of stairs to buy a package of Pop Tarts from the vending machine?

Do people who work on the 12th floor weigh less than people who work on the ground floor because they are farther from the Earth's center of gravity?

jpg weighty

Artist: Angel Boligan
Attribution:Cagle Cartoons, El Universal, Mexico City
Distributed exclusively to subscribers by Cagle Cartoons, Inc.

Does a Diet Coke neutralize all of the calories in a Snickers bar, or would you have to drink two?

Are overweight people simply between diets?

Isn't liposuction simply a way of making room for more fat?

These are just some of the questions that popped into my head as I began reading the book "The South Beach Diet." The other question being, could I lose weight if I bought all the diet books in the bookstore and ate the pages out of them?

I have struggled with my weight since I quit smoking in 1972, but I really lost the battle after having some heart problems in 1998. I was exercising to lose weight when I started experiencing chest pains. Of course, being the idiot that I am, I waited a week before going to a cardiologist. "Oh, it's probably just sinus problems," I said to myself. Well, it wasn't sinusitis, it was angina, and my sinuses weren't blocked, my coronary arteries were.

It only took about $35,000 to fix the problem. I could fix the weight problem for free, if I really wanted to fix it. You see, I've gotten myself into a rut. The only way to get out of a rut is to stop the car, get some help, and get back on the road. There is help available, at a price. The last time I checked, a personal trainer wanted $70 an hour. Remember, this is Atlanta, not peanut-growing, red-neck rural Georgia. These guys drive Mercedes and BMWs with custom wheels, not pickup trucks with gun racks.

The other option is to be my own trainer. I know how to exercise and what to eat. I will start exercising, and for every hour I exercise I will put $70 into my savings account. When I've lost the weight, I will be able to afford a BMW - I have a lot of weight to lose.

Everything I've read lately says Americans are obese. The recent accident on Lake George in New York revealed that the Coast Guard has been assuming an average weight of 140 pounds for an adult male. Heck, I weighed that much when I was 18, and I've added 100 pounds since then. The problem is I haven't gotten any taller.

Last week, a smart-ass kid made a comment about my weight. I just looked at him and said, "I know I'm fat, but you're ugly. The difference is - I can always lose weight."

Bob Ciminel's articles may include satire and parody, and mix fact with fiction.
He assumes informed readers will be able to tell the difference.

Bob Ciminel lives in Roswell, Georgia, and works for the Institute of Nuclear Power Operations.  Bob is also a conductor on the Blue Ridge Scenic Railway.


Bob Ciminel ©2001 - 2005
All Rights Reserved

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