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Fish or Cut Bait

Fixitupus Interruptus
By Bob Ciminel


October 07, 2007

Here I am ensconced in a new apartment in Lynchburg, Virginia, only 900 yards from a brand new Home Depot with nothing to fix.

I bought one of those LED flashlights. I mean, what man can go into a Home Depot or any hardware company and not buy something?

That would be as illogical as a woman going to the Mall and coming home empty handed. It would violate the laws of nature.

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Sure, it might take a woman two or three hours to find what she wanted, or thought she needed, but money would be spent as sure as the sun rises and sets.

Women shop; men buy.

I can go to one of those outlet malls where they make you think you're getting factory-direct prices and follow my wife around all day without buying a thing - unless, that is, I pass the Coleman Lantern store or the Black & Decker store. Then, I have to buy something.

Once, I bought a little flashlight that looked like a Coleman lantern. I didn't need it, but I had to "buy" something to justify spending all that time and gas. I showed it to my wife as she handed me a 50-pound shopping bag from the Mikasa store.

"Oh, that's cute," she said. "What are you going to do with it?"

"Reduce our carbon footprint," was my quick comeback. "It uses LEDs. No heat. Helps reduce global warming."

She told me to take it back.

I did and bought one of those multi-LED flashlights that run on a half dozen D cells. If they'd had one that ran on a 12-volt car battery, I'd have bought it.

So, here I am within spitting distance of a Home Depot for the first time in my life and I'm 450 miles from the only place in my life that needs fixing, my home in Roswell.

Oh, for those of you who have actually read my columns over the years, my wife and I have not separated. We still love each other dearly. I'm in Lynchburg on a one-year temporary assignment to work on the next generation of nuclear reactors. They even gave me an office with wood furniture. Hmmm, they must think I know something. Oh, well, life is full of disappointments. I hope my LED flashlight works.

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Fish or Cut Bait by Bob Ciminel

Bob Ciminel's articles may include satire and parody, and mix fact with fiction.
He assumes informed readers will be able to tell the difference. Bob lives in Roswell, Georgia, and works for the Institute of Nuclear Power Operations.  He is also a conductor on the Blue Ridge Scenic Railway.
Contact Bob at sop2510[at]

Bob Ciminel ©2001 - 2007
All Rights Reserved

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