Sitnews - Stories In The News - Ketchikan, Alaska - News, Features, Opinions...


Fish Or Cut Bait

Bob Rests His Case
by Bob Ciminel


May 21, 2004

The headline reads: "Hormel Foods Corp., the maker of . . . Spam luncheon meat, Thursday reported a 59 percent increase in quarterly earnings. . . ."

I knew it was a conspiracy. Oh, sure, the rest of the article says the profits came from increased sales of Hormel's refrigerated meat products. That's misleading; you can
Fish or Cut Bait graphic
refrigerate Spam too, in or out of the can.

Well, I don't want to belabor the point, but you need to know I wasn't making up that stuff about the price of Spam being tied to inflation. I expect interest rates to jump any day now once Dr. Greenspan learns that Hormel is making money on Spam again.

Other news from the 'burbs: Alice is going to put me in the poorhouse again with her purchases of flowers for the backyard. We're having an engagement party for my nephew here in a couple of weeks, and Alice has gone on a planting frenzy. I'm beginning to think we are the sole supporters of the local Pike's Family Nursery Center. Personally, I can't tell one flower from another. Flowers die if we don't water them. Evidently, the rain these days isn't enough to keep them happy. So, how did they survive all those millennia when nobody watered them?

The other good news is that all of our lakes and reservoirs are back up to normal levels. I know that doesn't seem like much of a problem up there in Ketchikan, but we've been in a major drought down here in the Peach State for the past five or six years. We're still on watering restrictions.

Now, let me see if I understand this. If I run my lawn sprinklers, the water goes into the ground and eventually ends up in a lake. But if I don't water my lawn, it "saves water" and the level in the lake goes up? This must be rocket science because it makes no sense to me.

The big problem lake was Lake Lanier, which is the biggest lake in Georgia and is only 25 miles up the road from us. That sucker was 12 feet below normal, which really messed up the boating. In the summer, Lake Lanier has more horsepower on it than the interstate highway system. We're talking bass boats with 300-horsepower outboards, 100-horsepower jet skis, thousands of powerboats and houseboats, and who knows what else, all running like bats out of hell and going nowhere. Even $2 a gallon gas isn't slowing them down.


Bob Ciminel ©2001

Post a Comment
        View Comments
Submit an Opinion - Letter

Stories In The News
Ketchikan, Alaska